Don’t touch my pig’s ear!!!
Auxugen is away on vacation, hopefully getting lots of bondage while in Boston. His roommate is at the house but works long hours. So I am walking his dog once a day. I know this dog. I’ve known him for over 4 years and have walked him many times. He’s a big black goofy angel – newf, rot and lab mix. Huge heart.
Thursday was the first walk. He was happy to see me as I walked in the door. I grabbed the leash and we headed out. Happy dog. Spring in his step. On our walk he even saw another dog he wanted to play with, but this strange dog would have none of it. So unplussed, we continue our walk. Upon our return I checked his food bowl and gave him clean water. A little more attention and then I had to leave. Before heading out I decided to give him his absolutely favorite treat. A pig’s ear. He was happily chomping on it. I reached down to pat his head goodbye and it happened. He snapped and bit my left hand. The fleshy part. In a split second my hand was filled with blood. I know he was as shocked as I was. It showed in his eyes. My heart pounded and I burst into tears. Ran into the bathroom to grab something to mop up the bloody mess. From there, autopilot kicked in. I somehow managed to say bye to the dog, set the alarm, ran home to leave a message on Auxugen’s cell phone and then made my way to the emergency room...where I sat...for over 2 hours. I was supposed to attend a book signing at 7pm but didn’t make it on time. At 9pm, when I was released from the hospital I buzzed over to the signing where I was treated to a glass of wine and some great soup.
I’m fine. No stitches were needed. Although open, nothing was punctured. They irrigated the wound and slapped a big hunk of gauze over it. I’m to clean it once a day and replace the bandage. The doctor gave me a ‘script for antibiotics in case I need it. It’s just a matter of keeping an eye on the wound and see if it gets infected. If so, I’ll fill the ‘script then. Last night I hesitantly checked it out and it appears alright. No sign of infection. I had a tetanus a few years ago because I was assisting with demo-ing part of a home then.
While sitting in the ER I wondered what lessons would come to me from this. Yeah, the very first very obvious one is I learned that although loving, the dog is territorial about his pig ears. And oddly enough, an email about the dogbite yesterday began a chain of events with someone I love very much. One thing led to another which provoked something else that brought up some nasty memory of my father and I. It all began with the pig’s ear and the bite. An innocent walk with a dog opened a door to deeper understanding and healing.
Today I’m spent. I’ve yet to walk the dog again, but will tomorrow. I’ve let the roommate know that I can’t be there right now. Seeing it’s the weekend, it’s okay.
And...everything will be okay.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Friday, October 22, 2004
First, in a whole different vein, Mark Morford grieves for his Apple stock.
“They have been a friend. They have been a companion. They have been a welcoming thread of consistency in a sea of chaos and I have loved them dearly, perhaps too much, perhaps like some sort of rabid overprotective parent far, far too eager to see his kid score the big touchdown so he can feel like he made the right choices in his life all along.”
Secondly, on Tuesday night I saw The Times of Harvey Milk with a coworker at the Seattle queer film festival. It is also on dvd so check it out if you have a chance. Powerful film. It is as relevant today as it was then. What flipped me out was the timing. The events take place in 1977 & 1978. At one point they discuss the struggle with Proposition 6 in CA which would keep gay teachers out of the school system. Anita Bryant was mentioned.
My heart sank and memories came back.
In 1977, having left the Catholic church because it didn’t make sense to me, I became a non-denominational kinda pentacostal type very fundamentalist Christian. I was seventeen years old. The book on my nightstand, in addition to the Bible, was one by Anita Bryant. After prayer meetings and church services, my friends and I would hang out at the local Howard Johnson’s downing lots of coffee and being quite obnoxious with the waitresses. We’d preach and try to convert everyone. We were the ‘in your face’ type of Christian, leaving religious tracts in bathrooms, tables and shoving them into people’s hands. After being juiced by coffee and Jesus, around midnight, we’d head to the seedy part of town where the preaching became more intense. The little pamphlets we handed out were anti-gay. “Homos – get saved or get damned!”
Fuck.
At the time of Harvey Milk, I was passionately on the very side he was fighting against.
Remembering that during the film freaked me out and broke my heart.
I grieved for the lost teen I was at the time and then needed to look at my present to cherish the fact that I now try to work for compassion and human rights.
Yeah...it was a moment.
“They have been a friend. They have been a companion. They have been a welcoming thread of consistency in a sea of chaos and I have loved them dearly, perhaps too much, perhaps like some sort of rabid overprotective parent far, far too eager to see his kid score the big touchdown so he can feel like he made the right choices in his life all along.”
Secondly, on Tuesday night I saw The Times of Harvey Milk with a coworker at the Seattle queer film festival. It is also on dvd so check it out if you have a chance. Powerful film. It is as relevant today as it was then. What flipped me out was the timing. The events take place in 1977 & 1978. At one point they discuss the struggle with Proposition 6 in CA which would keep gay teachers out of the school system. Anita Bryant was mentioned.
My heart sank and memories came back.
In 1977, having left the Catholic church because it didn’t make sense to me, I became a non-denominational kinda pentacostal type very fundamentalist Christian. I was seventeen years old. The book on my nightstand, in addition to the Bible, was one by Anita Bryant. After prayer meetings and church services, my friends and I would hang out at the local Howard Johnson’s downing lots of coffee and being quite obnoxious with the waitresses. We’d preach and try to convert everyone. We were the ‘in your face’ type of Christian, leaving religious tracts in bathrooms, tables and shoving them into people’s hands. After being juiced by coffee and Jesus, around midnight, we’d head to the seedy part of town where the preaching became more intense. The little pamphlets we handed out were anti-gay. “Homos – get saved or get damned!”
Fuck.
At the time of Harvey Milk, I was passionately on the very side he was fighting against.
Remembering that during the film freaked me out and broke my heart.
I grieved for the lost teen I was at the time and then needed to look at my present to cherish the fact that I now try to work for compassion and human rights.
Yeah...it was a moment.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
I've spent the last 5 hours at work debating whether or not I should be in bed. Migraine and the beginnings of a nasty cold have me feeling like shit. But instead of bed...I'm still at work slowly plowing through piles of papers that have collected in my 10 days away.
So here's a quickie blog with our Wednesday duo. Rob Brezny's Freewill Astrology and Mark Morford's latest column about microchip implants for humans.
His first paragraph:
"I shall walk toward my car completely naked and keyless and laughing maniacally and I shall wave my arm over a tiny scanner and the doors will open and the engine will start and the stereo will begin to pump out "Highway to Hell" at a nice respectable skull-thumping volume.
And, lo, it shall be Good."
So here's a quickie blog with our Wednesday duo. Rob Brezny's Freewill Astrology and Mark Morford's latest column about microchip implants for humans.
His first paragraph:
"I shall walk toward my car completely naked and keyless and laughing maniacally and I shall wave my arm over a tiny scanner and the doors will open and the engine will start and the stereo will begin to pump out "Highway to Hell" at a nice respectable skull-thumping volume.
And, lo, it shall be Good."
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Bikerbearmark had a treat on his livejournal today. I'm calling it buddhist bossa nova. Listen to this , deliciously done by Antonio Jobim and Elis Regina. Aguas de Marco (The Waters of March)
I've included the english lyrics below while the spanish lyrics are found here. Gorgeous stuff.
The Waters of March
It's wood, it's stone, it's the end of the road
It's the rest of the stump, it's a little alone
It's a sliver of glass, it is life, it's the sun
It is night, it is death, it's a trap, it's the bait
It's peroba of the field, the knot in the wood
Caingá lamp, it's the Matita Pereira tree
It's wood of the wind, falls of the river bank
It's the profound mystery, it's the want in don't want
It's the wind blowing free, it's the end of a slope
It's the beam, it's a void, ridge beam festival
It's the rain coming down, the riverbank talks
of the waters of march, it's the end of the strain
It's the foot, it's the ground, it's the beat of the road
Small bird in the hand, a slingshot stone
It's a bird in the sky, it's a bird on the ground
It's a creek, it's a fountain, it's a piece of bread
It's the bed of the well, it's the end of the road
The dismay in the face, it's a little alone
It's a point, it's a nail, it's an account, a story
It's a bridge, its a point, it's the drop dripping
It's a fish, it's a gesture, it's the silvery glow
It's the soft morning light, it's the brick arriving
It's the firewood, it's the day, it's the end of the trail
It's the bottle of liquor, the splinter in the road
It's the plans of the house, it's the body in bed
It's the broken car, it's the mud, it's the mud
It's a footstep, it's a bridge, it's a toad, it's a frog
It's the rest of thicket, in the light of the morning
They are the waters of March closing the summer
It's the promise of life in your heart
It's a snake, a stick, it's John, it's Joseph
It's a thorn in your hand, it's the cut on your foot
They are the waters of March closing the summer
It's the promise of life in your heart
It's a footstep, a bridge, it's a toad, it's a frog
It's the beautiful horizon, its the third fever
They are the waters of March closing the summer
It's the promise of life in your heart
I've included the english lyrics below while the spanish lyrics are found here. Gorgeous stuff.
The Waters of March
It's wood, it's stone, it's the end of the road
It's the rest of the stump, it's a little alone
It's a sliver of glass, it is life, it's the sun
It is night, it is death, it's a trap, it's the bait
It's peroba of the field, the knot in the wood
Caingá lamp, it's the Matita Pereira tree
It's wood of the wind, falls of the river bank
It's the profound mystery, it's the want in don't want
It's the wind blowing free, it's the end of a slope
It's the beam, it's a void, ridge beam festival
It's the rain coming down, the riverbank talks
of the waters of march, it's the end of the strain
It's the foot, it's the ground, it's the beat of the road
Small bird in the hand, a slingshot stone
It's a bird in the sky, it's a bird on the ground
It's a creek, it's a fountain, it's a piece of bread
It's the bed of the well, it's the end of the road
The dismay in the face, it's a little alone
It's a point, it's a nail, it's an account, a story
It's a bridge, its a point, it's the drop dripping
It's a fish, it's a gesture, it's the silvery glow
It's the soft morning light, it's the brick arriving
It's the firewood, it's the day, it's the end of the trail
It's the bottle of liquor, the splinter in the road
It's the plans of the house, it's the body in bed
It's the broken car, it's the mud, it's the mud
It's a footstep, it's a bridge, it's a toad, it's a frog
It's the rest of thicket, in the light of the morning
They are the waters of March closing the summer
It's the promise of life in your heart
It's a snake, a stick, it's John, it's Joseph
It's a thorn in your hand, it's the cut on your foot
They are the waters of March closing the summer
It's the promise of life in your heart
It's a footstep, a bridge, it's a toad, it's a frog
It's the beautiful horizon, its the third fever
They are the waters of March closing the summer
It's the promise of life in your heart
I think I have a chocolate headache. One too many hand-dipped, dark chocolate chipotle truffles. Yeah, you heard right. Chipotle. Made by none other than Seattle's own infamous, iconoclastic caterers, Feeding Frenzy. Oh no, there's no bias in my voice. It's not like they are the loves of my life or anything.
Their chipotle truffle is my favorite and totally kicks ass. It's not hot spicy like jalepeno. Instead, it's all about the chocolate until the end. Then you feel a kick at the back of your throat. It just kinda sneaks up on you. Good stuff.
----------
The movie, Garden, last night was...haunting. Tough but good. Although the blurb on the film mentioned some feeling of hopefulness, I couldn't get much sense of it. I think getting off the streets is an almost insurmountable task. Not impossible, but not easy or common.
A coworker just approached me with an extra pass for one of the films tonight. So he and I are going to catch The Times of Harvey Milk. Neither of us have seen it before. It originally came out the year after I did. Definitely something I need to see. Part of the "must know's" in our queer history.
----------
Want to know what I love about Seattle in the fall and winter? It's the light. I can hear you now. "What light?" you ask. "It's long dark days, low cloud ceiling and misty."
"Exactly! That's what makes for glorious light!!!"
I saw it this morning. You need to be paying attention. It happens fast. And it's brief. But it's saturated, glowing light. Warm...deep gold. Large, heavy clouds and yet somehow the sun finds a crack and beams down. That's when we see it. I'll watch and immerse myself in the minute or two when it makes itself known. Good stuff.
Their chipotle truffle is my favorite and totally kicks ass. It's not hot spicy like jalepeno. Instead, it's all about the chocolate until the end. Then you feel a kick at the back of your throat. It just kinda sneaks up on you. Good stuff.
----------
The movie, Garden, last night was...haunting. Tough but good. Although the blurb on the film mentioned some feeling of hopefulness, I couldn't get much sense of it. I think getting off the streets is an almost insurmountable task. Not impossible, but not easy or common.
A coworker just approached me with an extra pass for one of the films tonight. So he and I are going to catch The Times of Harvey Milk. Neither of us have seen it before. It originally came out the year after I did. Definitely something I need to see. Part of the "must know's" in our queer history.
----------
Want to know what I love about Seattle in the fall and winter? It's the light. I can hear you now. "What light?" you ask. "It's long dark days, low cloud ceiling and misty."
"Exactly! That's what makes for glorious light!!!"
I saw it this morning. You need to be paying attention. It happens fast. And it's brief. But it's saturated, glowing light. Warm...deep gold. Large, heavy clouds and yet somehow the sun finds a crack and beams down. That's when we see it. I'll watch and immerse myself in the minute or two when it makes itself known. Good stuff.
Monday, October 18, 2004
Not quite sure what I want to write about, but wanted to touch base anyway. I came in too late this morning to sit and blog. Instead, I managed to sleep 9 hours solid. So sweet.
I’ve been thinking about the difference between community and culture quite a bit in the last few weeks. My mind wonders about the larger leather/kink/bdsm/whatever world and all the different cultures and subcultures within. I was thinking about the small community the Mountain Men have created. I then considered my personal community, made up of leather family and close friends.
Anyway...I’m sure you’ll hear my thoughts as I formulate them.
Tonight.
I’m killing a little time before heading out to dinner. Having scored two passes for the Seattle Lesbian & Gay Film Festival, I asked Sir if he'd like to join me. So after dinner at Cafe Septieme's, we are off to see Garden. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
I’ve been thinking about the difference between community and culture quite a bit in the last few weeks. My mind wonders about the larger leather/kink/bdsm/whatever world and all the different cultures and subcultures within. I was thinking about the small community the Mountain Men have created. I then considered my personal community, made up of leather family and close friends.
Anyway...I’m sure you’ll hear my thoughts as I formulate them.
Tonight.
I’m killing a little time before heading out to dinner. Having scored two passes for the Seattle Lesbian & Gay Film Festival, I asked Sir if he'd like to join me. So after dinner at Cafe Septieme's, we are off to see Garden. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
I still don’t have a computer at home. For some reason, I’m putting off getting it looked at. Hmmm. Maybe I do know why. I’m tired and I don’t even want to think about tech stuff right now. There will be time this week. I suppose it would be different if I wasn’t so close to work.
Weirdly so, I’m homesick. Homesick for last week, the location, the people and the energy. Yet while I was there I was homesick as well. I wanted my leather family around.
I want both. Both of them together. Combine the two worlds.
The day after Body Electric ended I helped out the Mountain Men. I wanted to give back and do physical labor. So I assisted with cleaning out the guest house. It felt so good. Afterward, AE and I went for a walk off the property and down the road. We ended up on the other side of the mountain, where some of the men actually live. It’s a home, up a steep drive, overlooking a valley and hills. It’s a panoramic view that is quintessential Vermont. Remember, I was on the border of NY and Vermont. The rolling fields, farms and hills...trees vibrant in their color.
It was about 4 pm and this home has a hot tub outdoors, on the side. So we stripped down and stepped in. From the tub we could relish the view. It was the golden hour, where the light is sweet and warm, setting the leaves on fire. Again...like so many other things that week, heaven.
My heart is still full. I think back upon moment after moment, filled with pain, discomfort, calm, exultation. So much.
I feel so honored to have been in the presence of all who were there. The mountain men, the Body Electric staff and assistants, and the participants.
Saturday night, while at the workshop, after scheduled events, a few of us were milling around the great room. There was a woman there, a leather woman, quite proficient in the singletail. I’d watch her practice at breaktimes. She’d be outdoors, a bullwhip in each hand. Yeah, I just about came the first time I noticed it, watching from the window. We had spoken about s/m at dinner the night before. My voice broke and my hunger showed through. Although we couldn’t get into a full fledged scene, due to the fact my skin needed to stay intact for upcoming rituals, as well as because this wasn't the Power, Surrender and Intimacy workshop, we had an impromptu quickie play session. She remarked it would be a tease. And it was. But fed me nonetheless.
In this great room, there are large paintings on the wall – maybe about 2 ½ feet by 3 ½ feet. Mostly heads of certain people...spiritual people. I don’t recognize the portraits of the men...maybe Buddhist teachers? But one I knew. It was Mother Theresa. She had her white and blue veil, head bowed, hands close to her face in prayer. I took off my shirt, and positioned myself, by chance, in front of this painting. My hands were stretched out against the wall, on either side of the canvas. Yes, I was singletailed in front of Mother Theresa, a spirit of compassion and service. Again...perfect.
Thank you single tail top. You gave me such a gift that evening.
Weirdly so, I’m homesick. Homesick for last week, the location, the people and the energy. Yet while I was there I was homesick as well. I wanted my leather family around.
I want both. Both of them together. Combine the two worlds.
The day after Body Electric ended I helped out the Mountain Men. I wanted to give back and do physical labor. So I assisted with cleaning out the guest house. It felt so good. Afterward, AE and I went for a walk off the property and down the road. We ended up on the other side of the mountain, where some of the men actually live. It’s a home, up a steep drive, overlooking a valley and hills. It’s a panoramic view that is quintessential Vermont. Remember, I was on the border of NY and Vermont. The rolling fields, farms and hills...trees vibrant in their color.
It was about 4 pm and this home has a hot tub outdoors, on the side. So we stripped down and stepped in. From the tub we could relish the view. It was the golden hour, where the light is sweet and warm, setting the leaves on fire. Again...like so many other things that week, heaven.
My heart is still full. I think back upon moment after moment, filled with pain, discomfort, calm, exultation. So much.
I feel so honored to have been in the presence of all who were there. The mountain men, the Body Electric staff and assistants, and the participants.
Saturday night, while at the workshop, after scheduled events, a few of us were milling around the great room. There was a woman there, a leather woman, quite proficient in the singletail. I’d watch her practice at breaktimes. She’d be outdoors, a bullwhip in each hand. Yeah, I just about came the first time I noticed it, watching from the window. We had spoken about s/m at dinner the night before. My voice broke and my hunger showed through. Although we couldn’t get into a full fledged scene, due to the fact my skin needed to stay intact for upcoming rituals, as well as because this wasn't the Power, Surrender and Intimacy workshop, we had an impromptu quickie play session. She remarked it would be a tease. And it was. But fed me nonetheless.
In this great room, there are large paintings on the wall – maybe about 2 ½ feet by 3 ½ feet. Mostly heads of certain people...spiritual people. I don’t recognize the portraits of the men...maybe Buddhist teachers? But one I knew. It was Mother Theresa. She had her white and blue veil, head bowed, hands close to her face in prayer. I took off my shirt, and positioned myself, by chance, in front of this painting. My hands were stretched out against the wall, on either side of the canvas. Yes, I was singletailed in front of Mother Theresa, a spirit of compassion and service. Again...perfect.
Thank you single tail top. You gave me such a gift that evening.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Oh by the way, the most important thing about my vacation.
I had THE best reuben I've eaten in over 6 years. AE took me to Greenwich, NY and we had lunch in this little diner type place in an amazing old structure. I love reubens, and haven't found a good one in Seattle. Although when Roxy's deli was opened, at Pike Market...they weren't too bad. This one last week was sheer bliss.
I had THE best reuben I've eaten in over 6 years. AE took me to Greenwich, NY and we had lunch in this little diner type place in an amazing old structure. I love reubens, and haven't found a good one in Seattle. Although when Roxy's deli was opened, at Pike Market...they weren't too bad. This one last week was sheer bliss.
It’s raining this morning and it feels so good.
Right after lunch I need to run to Sir’s and pick up a fern he potted for me. And some homemade cranberry relish. :-)
A little nesting.
While on the Mountain...by the way, the men who live at Easton were given a new name last week. In the first meeting of our Body Electric group the facilitator was going over basic rules and referred to the community of men as ‘the mountain men’. The name is so perfect...and it stuck. The Mountain Men. Love that.
Anyway, my first day on the Mountain found me installing windows with AE. He has almost completed his little cabin.
Actually, I’ll transcribe the day from my notes written on Wednesday, 6 October.
Guess where I am?
Sitting in a comfy chair across from a wood stove, roaring away, my feet on large unfinished wood planks, in a little cottage, tucked in the woods, off the path from the main house, on the Mountain.
I am in the home where AE lives. I am in the home that AE built.
He finished insulating and putting up interior walls. All wood planks. Today I helped him install windows. Old multi-pane windows previously used in old New England homes. If these windows could talks...they’d have stories. Many tales.
We hung windows. We installed oil lamps. Even found a place to attach the flashlight by the door. “Look AE...today is about light. I love that together we brought light and warmth to your home.” The grin on his face was perfect.
Then we moved him from the guesthouse to his little cabin in the woods. Now he’s unpacking while I sit and write...in the comfy chair, feeling the heat of the stove, smelling burning wood and the freshly cut lumber on the walls, hearing the bamboo chime and rustling leaves...watching as they give a hint of color to come.
AE’s home is about the size of the little/big room in my studio apt. I look up every few sentences and watch him decide where to place a piece...a memory...a favorite item.
You know, I am envious. To live in a place that you’ve built, from the ground up, with your own two hands. To chop wood and build a fence. It’s primal. It feels like living.
I want that.
Right after lunch I need to run to Sir’s and pick up a fern he potted for me. And some homemade cranberry relish. :-)
A little nesting.
While on the Mountain...by the way, the men who live at Easton were given a new name last week. In the first meeting of our Body Electric group the facilitator was going over basic rules and referred to the community of men as ‘the mountain men’. The name is so perfect...and it stuck. The Mountain Men. Love that.
Anyway, my first day on the Mountain found me installing windows with AE. He has almost completed his little cabin.
Actually, I’ll transcribe the day from my notes written on Wednesday, 6 October.
Guess where I am?
Sitting in a comfy chair across from a wood stove, roaring away, my feet on large unfinished wood planks, in a little cottage, tucked in the woods, off the path from the main house, on the Mountain.
I am in the home where AE lives. I am in the home that AE built.
He finished insulating and putting up interior walls. All wood planks. Today I helped him install windows. Old multi-pane windows previously used in old New England homes. If these windows could talks...they’d have stories. Many tales.
We hung windows. We installed oil lamps. Even found a place to attach the flashlight by the door. “Look AE...today is about light. I love that together we brought light and warmth to your home.” The grin on his face was perfect.
Then we moved him from the guesthouse to his little cabin in the woods. Now he’s unpacking while I sit and write...in the comfy chair, feeling the heat of the stove, smelling burning wood and the freshly cut lumber on the walls, hearing the bamboo chime and rustling leaves...watching as they give a hint of color to come.
AE’s home is about the size of the little/big room in my studio apt. I look up every few sentences and watch him decide where to place a piece...a memory...a favorite item.
You know, I am envious. To live in a place that you’ve built, from the ground up, with your own two hands. To chop wood and build a fence. It’s primal. It feels like living.
I want that.
Good morning.
Well....few things taken care of. Apparently my domain had expired 10 days ago. So no email. I had received the notice about 4 weeks ago, but lost the email when my hard drive crashed, and not having had a chance to read it fully, I though it was only about account verification.
As far as my home computer, beautiful boy has offered to run diagnostics on it. I can’t even bring it to him today because I’m busy. Tomorrow is my day off and I don’t have any desire to deal with icky stuff...such as computers. It will have to wait.
Now when I mentioned all this to the shrink, he strongly encouraged me to get the credit and charge a new laptop. An iBook. If my computer is glitchy...I probably shouldn’t mess with it. And maybe it’s time to bite the bullet and make the purchase. We’ll see.
Flat broke? Yup. But that’s from coming up with the last month’s rent for when I moved, the airfare and Body Electric. I should have some extra each month within the next month or so.
I decided not to allow all the computer messiness to mess with my current state of calm and well being. Trust me, it tried...and almost won. But no dice. I love the space I’m in since I’ve returned from the Mountain, and I’m holding onto it as long as I can. Each time I take a breath...a deep breath that I can feel run through my chest, into my belly, down my cunt and out my ass....there is a massive sense of ‘all is right with the world’.
Yesterday morning was tense because I realized I need to figure out how to take what I experienced and fold it into my Seattle life. Thursday and Friday came with large feelings of I don’t want to be back here...and I hate my job. I felt twisted in the blackberry vines created by my own hands. I’m acutely aware of how zany my life is. I want quiet and calm. I want harmony. I want space to live, be, fuck and play.
In the afternoon, at the end of my shrink appointment, I had the unsettledness figured out. I said that my life is a jigsaw puzzle, and I am a piece in the picture it creates. After 9 days on the Mountain I return home and see I don’t fit in my puzzle. The piece that is me has shifted shaped and now it’s time to rework the image. It’ll be interesting to see how it all develops.
Well....few things taken care of. Apparently my domain had expired 10 days ago. So no email. I had received the notice about 4 weeks ago, but lost the email when my hard drive crashed, and not having had a chance to read it fully, I though it was only about account verification.
As far as my home computer, beautiful boy has offered to run diagnostics on it. I can’t even bring it to him today because I’m busy. Tomorrow is my day off and I don’t have any desire to deal with icky stuff...such as computers. It will have to wait.
Now when I mentioned all this to the shrink, he strongly encouraged me to get the credit and charge a new laptop. An iBook. If my computer is glitchy...I probably shouldn’t mess with it. And maybe it’s time to bite the bullet and make the purchase. We’ll see.
Flat broke? Yup. But that’s from coming up with the last month’s rent for when I moved, the airfare and Body Electric. I should have some extra each month within the next month or so.
I decided not to allow all the computer messiness to mess with my current state of calm and well being. Trust me, it tried...and almost won. But no dice. I love the space I’m in since I’ve returned from the Mountain, and I’m holding onto it as long as I can. Each time I take a breath...a deep breath that I can feel run through my chest, into my belly, down my cunt and out my ass....there is a massive sense of ‘all is right with the world’.
Yesterday morning was tense because I realized I need to figure out how to take what I experienced and fold it into my Seattle life. Thursday and Friday came with large feelings of I don’t want to be back here...and I hate my job. I felt twisted in the blackberry vines created by my own hands. I’m acutely aware of how zany my life is. I want quiet and calm. I want harmony. I want space to live, be, fuck and play.
In the afternoon, at the end of my shrink appointment, I had the unsettledness figured out. I said that my life is a jigsaw puzzle, and I am a piece in the picture it creates. After 9 days on the Mountain I return home and see I don’t fit in my puzzle. The piece that is me has shifted shaped and now it’s time to rework the image. It’ll be interesting to see how it all develops.
Friday, October 15, 2004
In spite of the major discombobulation due to computer conundrums, I am managing to get loads of work done.
Maybe I'll even figure out how to do damned mail merges in Windows XP so I don't have to hop on an older computer. It doesn't seem to want to accept my excel sheet as a data source.
Anyway, seeing I'm trying to get some sense of my regular routine back, here is today's Mark Morford column and this week's Freewill Astrology.
If you've missed other Morford columns while I was away, his archives is located here.
Maybe I'll even figure out how to do damned mail merges in Windows XP so I don't have to hop on an older computer. It doesn't seem to want to accept my excel sheet as a data source.
Anyway, seeing I'm trying to get some sense of my regular routine back, here is today's Mark Morford column and this week's Freewill Astrology.
If you've missed other Morford columns while I was away, his archives is located here.
After seeing the shrink yesterday I went to a late lunch with Sir and then a few errands. By 7pm I was done for the night. Crashed a few hours later.
I've been so tired. Normally jet lag doesn't bug me. But I'm tired from my time away as well.
You see, except for my first two nights on the mountain, before Body Electric began, I really didn't get any sleep. The days were jammed full, the air literally electric and my body vibrating. We'd go all day, from about 8am until 11pm. By the time I'd lay down, I was too energized to sleep. And not having any time to myself left only the middle of the night. I think my mind grabbed that time for itself. There was one night were I didn't sleep at all. The others, maybe 3 hours.
So last night I crashed. And...before I did, so did my computer. Hmmmm. It's a brand new hard drive...only 3 days of usage and it's down.
Guess what? Methinks the hard drive isn't the issue. This has now happened 3 times. Each time it crashes and dies after I need to restart due to upgrades. Someone wrote me about a good mac man. Thank you for that. But I'm holding off because well...I'm flat broke. I also have 3 good mac men here...free. And apparently what I'm dealing with is some weirdness. One of them wondered about some type of board. So we'll look at that next. I hate computers.
On top of it, I returned to work yesterday to a brand new computer. I knew they were going to do the swap while I was away. My coworkers even found and threw on a Tom of Finland image for my desktop...and retrieved a new whip.wav file for my new email sound. :-)
But, I'm now stuck with Windows XP instead of 2000. I detest XP. I detest the format and the cutesy little icons and how their defaults autocorrect everything. Little by little I'm reclaiming it...tweaking it...getting used to it.
I knew this would happen and so prepared for a slow first day back. I had 3 goals. Catch up on voice mails, emails and become somewhat familiar with the new computer.
One more computer glitch. For some odd reason, I cannot receive or send email from my personal email addy. And my mail server folks are puzzled. So all of you who have that one...don't use it until further notice. Instead, use autre at graffiti dot net or my work email if you have it.
So what's up with all the computer stuff? Have I been so charged up from my week at Body Electric that I'm shorting everything out? It's beginning to freak me out. Can I tell you how unsettling it is to have all the computers being weird?
And all I can do around this right now is...breathe. Very deep, slow breaths.
Fuck.
Regarding BE Two Spirits...I don't expect to say much. First, I wouldn't know where to begin. It was tough enough trying to share with my shrink. And the other reason is...I want to keep it for myself and those I love. Things may come out in dribs and drabs. If it feels good I'll do it. In the meantime, it stays with me.
I will say it was an amazing experience. Body Electric does cutting edge, powerful work and I strongly encourage people to attend a workshop. They get to the root of what can help heal the earth, one person at a time. Now I know they aren't perfect, as I noticed a few things lacking (regarding my viewpoint and life), but no one else is doing anything close to what they are. They have the balls to play with fire in such a way to allow for combustion in a super safe enviroment. They provide incredible, compassionate staff and assistants where no one is left floundering or lost. Powerful, profound stuff.
Because of my 4 years of training with Sir, there weren't any surprises or anything new regarding most of the ideas of energy work and our bodies. But because of the dynamics created by the participants who attended, I received immense lessons and new insights. I was given a place to open up and really play again...intimately. It's different that what happens at the Eagle, which is hot, but not about energy work necessarily. The play from this past week is more reminiscent of what I was doing in training.
I'm still overwhelmed and sifting through the magic and explosions.
I've been so tired. Normally jet lag doesn't bug me. But I'm tired from my time away as well.
You see, except for my first two nights on the mountain, before Body Electric began, I really didn't get any sleep. The days were jammed full, the air literally electric and my body vibrating. We'd go all day, from about 8am until 11pm. By the time I'd lay down, I was too energized to sleep. And not having any time to myself left only the middle of the night. I think my mind grabbed that time for itself. There was one night were I didn't sleep at all. The others, maybe 3 hours.
So last night I crashed. And...before I did, so did my computer. Hmmmm. It's a brand new hard drive...only 3 days of usage and it's down.
Guess what? Methinks the hard drive isn't the issue. This has now happened 3 times. Each time it crashes and dies after I need to restart due to upgrades. Someone wrote me about a good mac man. Thank you for that. But I'm holding off because well...I'm flat broke. I also have 3 good mac men here...free. And apparently what I'm dealing with is some weirdness. One of them wondered about some type of board. So we'll look at that next. I hate computers.
On top of it, I returned to work yesterday to a brand new computer. I knew they were going to do the swap while I was away. My coworkers even found and threw on a Tom of Finland image for my desktop...and retrieved a new whip.wav file for my new email sound. :-)
But, I'm now stuck with Windows XP instead of 2000. I detest XP. I detest the format and the cutesy little icons and how their defaults autocorrect everything. Little by little I'm reclaiming it...tweaking it...getting used to it.
I knew this would happen and so prepared for a slow first day back. I had 3 goals. Catch up on voice mails, emails and become somewhat familiar with the new computer.
One more computer glitch. For some odd reason, I cannot receive or send email from my personal email addy. And my mail server folks are puzzled. So all of you who have that one...don't use it until further notice. Instead, use autre at graffiti dot net or my work email if you have it.
So what's up with all the computer stuff? Have I been so charged up from my week at Body Electric that I'm shorting everything out? It's beginning to freak me out. Can I tell you how unsettling it is to have all the computers being weird?
And all I can do around this right now is...breathe. Very deep, slow breaths.
Fuck.
Regarding BE Two Spirits...I don't expect to say much. First, I wouldn't know where to begin. It was tough enough trying to share with my shrink. And the other reason is...I want to keep it for myself and those I love. Things may come out in dribs and drabs. If it feels good I'll do it. In the meantime, it stays with me.
I will say it was an amazing experience. Body Electric does cutting edge, powerful work and I strongly encourage people to attend a workshop. They get to the root of what can help heal the earth, one person at a time. Now I know they aren't perfect, as I noticed a few things lacking (regarding my viewpoint and life), but no one else is doing anything close to what they are. They have the balls to play with fire in such a way to allow for combustion in a super safe enviroment. They provide incredible, compassionate staff and assistants where no one is left floundering or lost. Powerful, profound stuff.
Because of my 4 years of training with Sir, there weren't any surprises or anything new regarding most of the ideas of energy work and our bodies. But because of the dynamics created by the participants who attended, I received immense lessons and new insights. I was given a place to open up and really play again...intimately. It's different that what happens at the Eagle, which is hot, but not about energy work necessarily. The play from this past week is more reminiscent of what I was doing in training.
I'm still overwhelmed and sifting through the magic and explosions.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
I managed to sleep about 3 hours, tossed and turned for another hour and so here I am. All packed, showered, sitting in my robe and have about 30 minutes before Auxugen shows up at my door. The boy offered to take me to the airport even though I told him I needed to be there about 4:45 am. He's definitely a great guy.
The Bear and wonderboy joined Sir and I for dinner at Septieme's last night. It was loads of fun and a good way to spend the first night of my vacation. We came up with a few new ideas. One being a new drink we concocted. Bloody Noses - tomato juice, wasabi and tequila. Yeah...we were totally being silly. Although the tomato juice/wasabi part sounds good. Another was revamping the whole leather thing. We decided that felt would be the new leather and so fezzes are in. We'd hand out bright red fezzes at the Eagle next month. Whatcha think? No? Not so much? Oh well.
The fundraiser at the Eagle on Sunday was a blast. I was treated to deep backrubs when I first arrived. Some of the men noticed how stressed and tired I was. So they were gentle before torturing me. Physical Trainer showed up. We played. Some of the hottest sex I've had in a while. The energy gets more intense each time we play. It's thick and solid. Much face slapping at the beginning of the event, which left my jaw sore the rest of the evening. Plunging kisses. Rough housing, and much chest pounding. My chest is still tender. Can't even rest my comforter on it. As I said...a good time. And money raised.
While talking with the shrink yesterday I mentioned that I'd been doing something odd since Friday. Although incredibly busy with my time all blocked out, I would contact those closest to me and make plans to spend time with them before I leave. I think I managed to connect with everyone. It felt crazy because I really didn't have the time, but it was something that seemed needed. The shrink responded with "sounds like you're preparing yourself to die. Looks like Body Electric is already performing its magic."
Hmmm.
Anyway, there is much to write about and no time to do it. I haven't any idea what kind of computer access I'll have at Easton Mountain. When I return I need to slow down. Maybe it'll happen. Now I need to throw on clothes and head out. See ya.
The Bear and wonderboy joined Sir and I for dinner at Septieme's last night. It was loads of fun and a good way to spend the first night of my vacation. We came up with a few new ideas. One being a new drink we concocted. Bloody Noses - tomato juice, wasabi and tequila. Yeah...we were totally being silly. Although the tomato juice/wasabi part sounds good. Another was revamping the whole leather thing. We decided that felt would be the new leather and so fezzes are in. We'd hand out bright red fezzes at the Eagle next month. Whatcha think? No? Not so much? Oh well.
The fundraiser at the Eagle on Sunday was a blast. I was treated to deep backrubs when I first arrived. Some of the men noticed how stressed and tired I was. So they were gentle before torturing me. Physical Trainer showed up. We played. Some of the hottest sex I've had in a while. The energy gets more intense each time we play. It's thick and solid. Much face slapping at the beginning of the event, which left my jaw sore the rest of the evening. Plunging kisses. Rough housing, and much chest pounding. My chest is still tender. Can't even rest my comforter on it. As I said...a good time. And money raised.
While talking with the shrink yesterday I mentioned that I'd been doing something odd since Friday. Although incredibly busy with my time all blocked out, I would contact those closest to me and make plans to spend time with them before I leave. I think I managed to connect with everyone. It felt crazy because I really didn't have the time, but it was something that seemed needed. The shrink responded with "sounds like you're preparing yourself to die. Looks like Body Electric is already performing its magic."
Hmmm.
Anyway, there is much to write about and no time to do it. I haven't any idea what kind of computer access I'll have at Easton Mountain. When I return I need to slow down. Maybe it'll happen. Now I need to throw on clothes and head out. See ya.
Monday, October 04, 2004
oh my gawd!
I've been sitting here typing for about a half hour only to stupidly and carelessly close my blogger window...without saving a damned thing. I wasn't even conscious of doing it. It wasn't a 'whoops' moment. It just happened.
Oh well. I'll be back later. I'm packing and doing laundry. Headed out to dinner afterward, and then back for more packing.
I've been sitting here typing for about a half hour only to stupidly and carelessly close my blogger window...without saving a damned thing. I wasn't even conscious of doing it. It wasn't a 'whoops' moment. It just happened.
Oh well. I'll be back later. I'm packing and doing laundry. Headed out to dinner afterward, and then back for more packing.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
A total quickie. I don't have time for more than a couple links. Not even time to reply to email. It's an insanely busy weekend, between getting ready for vacation this week, a fundraiser and then what appeared to be a dead hard drive. New hard drive installed about midnight last night, thanks to the generosity of Auxugen.
Now for the links.
Richard Avedon died on Friday. He was 81 years old. Thank you Padacia for the news.
And here is what someone from the other side of the pond, the father of Pip, had to say about Bush.
"just watched a documentary about bush…
…and the role religion plays in his life and politics.
it made some interesting points with regard to his executive order allowing federal funding for religious organisations involved with social aid. the fact that over a billion dollars has been paid out and that not one dollar has been given in funding to non-christian organisations is a sickening indication of the hypocrisy of intent and practice.
what bothered me more was an interesting disection of the relgious language bush abuses to promote his interests. i can’t comment on whether he’s genuine or fake or some half-baked combination. but one thing’s sure, having a self-created religious patriarch sitting in the oval office is as fucked up as it gets, just the same as it is in any country. religious leaders should be in churches, when they’re in the offices of government a nation has become a congregation.
america should be extremely happy that eight years (with certain historical exceptions that people better hope don’t get used again) is the maximum term for the freak show that’s in town."
One other thing. Yesterday I spent part of the day running errands with Hoss and his boy. They loaned me the boy's sweat pants and Hoss' socks for my Body Electric workshop. They said I needed to bring a part of them with me. :-)
Now for the links.
Richard Avedon died on Friday. He was 81 years old. Thank you Padacia for the news.
And here is what someone from the other side of the pond, the father of Pip, had to say about Bush.
"just watched a documentary about bush…
…and the role religion plays in his life and politics.
it made some interesting points with regard to his executive order allowing federal funding for religious organisations involved with social aid. the fact that over a billion dollars has been paid out and that not one dollar has been given in funding to non-christian organisations is a sickening indication of the hypocrisy of intent and practice.
what bothered me more was an interesting disection of the relgious language bush abuses to promote his interests. i can’t comment on whether he’s genuine or fake or some half-baked combination. but one thing’s sure, having a self-created religious patriarch sitting in the oval office is as fucked up as it gets, just the same as it is in any country. religious leaders should be in churches, when they’re in the offices of government a nation has become a congregation.
america should be extremely happy that eight years (with certain historical exceptions that people better hope don’t get used again) is the maximum term for the freak show that’s in town."
One other thing. Yesterday I spent part of the day running errands with Hoss and his boy. They loaned me the boy's sweat pants and Hoss' socks for my Body Electric workshop. They said I needed to bring a part of them with me. :-)
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Guess what? Looks like my computer crashed again. Big time. I have the grey screen of death....sigh. So I made a couple emergency calls to a few folks, and we'll see what happens. Good thing I literally live 4 doors away from work. At least I can access it here.
And, because I hadn't a chance to fully load lots of important stuff on the home computer after losing everything the last time...it's not as painful. Today is about errands and getting somewhat ready for my vacation.
Tomorrow, Sunday, is another buzzcut/bootblack/bbq fundraiser for the Tony DeBlase Scholarship (aka Leather scholarship) at the Seattle Eagle if anyone's interested. The Eagle designed another kickass poster for the event. You can check out their tasty images here.
Be back later...at some point.
And, because I hadn't a chance to fully load lots of important stuff on the home computer after losing everything the last time...it's not as painful. Today is about errands and getting somewhat ready for my vacation.
Tomorrow, Sunday, is another buzzcut/bootblack/bbq fundraiser for the Tony DeBlase Scholarship (aka Leather scholarship) at the Seattle Eagle if anyone's interested. The Eagle designed another kickass poster for the event. You can check out their tasty images here.
Be back later...at some point.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Celebrate your freedom to read.
So I'm a little late. This is Banned Books Week.
According to the American Library Association, the top 10 challenged authors from 1990-present are:
1. Alvin Schwartz
2. Judy Blume
3. Robert Cormier
4. J.K. Rowling
5. Michael Willhoite
6. Katherine Paterson
7. Stephen King
8. Maya Angelou
9. R.L. Stine
10. John Steinbeck
Check out the rest of the Challenged and Banned Books page. Interesting stuff.
So I'm a little late. This is Banned Books Week.
According to the American Library Association, the top 10 challenged authors from 1990-present are:
1. Alvin Schwartz
2. Judy Blume
3. Robert Cormier
4. J.K. Rowling
5. Michael Willhoite
6. Katherine Paterson
7. Stephen King
8. Maya Angelou
9. R.L. Stine
10. John Steinbeck
Check out the rest of the Challenged and Banned Books page. Interesting stuff.
From The Guardian -
Orgies are the way to ease social tensions, claims US judge
Oliver Burkeman in New York
Friday October 1, 2004
The Guardian
He is the conservative bastion of the US supreme court, a favourite of President Bush, and a hunting partner of the vice-president. He has argued vociferously against abortion rights, and in favour of anti-sodomy laws.
But it turns out that there is another side to Justice Antonin Scalia: he thinks Americans ought to be having more orgies.
Challenged about his views on sexual morality, Justice Scalia surprised his audience at Harvard University, telling them: "I even take the position that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged."
It seems unlikely that this is what President Bush meant when he promised to appoint more judges like Scalia to the court, should the opportunity arise. Crucially, Justice Scalia is one of the judges in favour of overturning Roe v Wade, the landmark judgment protecting abortion as a constitutional right.
One audience member also asked the judge "whether you have any gay friends, and, if not, whether you'd like to be my friend," the Harvard Crimson newspaper reported.
"I probably do have some gay friends, but I have never pressed the point," Justice Scalia responded. He offered no clue to the logic behind his claim that orgies eliminate social tensions.
Nobody asked him whether he was familiar with Rick Moody's novel The Ice Storm, turned into a movie by Ang Lee, which appeared to suggest the exact opposite.
Orgies are the way to ease social tensions, claims US judge
Oliver Burkeman in New York
Friday October 1, 2004
The Guardian
He is the conservative bastion of the US supreme court, a favourite of President Bush, and a hunting partner of the vice-president. He has argued vociferously against abortion rights, and in favour of anti-sodomy laws.
But it turns out that there is another side to Justice Antonin Scalia: he thinks Americans ought to be having more orgies.
Challenged about his views on sexual morality, Justice Scalia surprised his audience at Harvard University, telling them: "I even take the position that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged."
It seems unlikely that this is what President Bush meant when he promised to appoint more judges like Scalia to the court, should the opportunity arise. Crucially, Justice Scalia is one of the judges in favour of overturning Roe v Wade, the landmark judgment protecting abortion as a constitutional right.
One audience member also asked the judge "whether you have any gay friends, and, if not, whether you'd like to be my friend," the Harvard Crimson newspaper reported.
"I probably do have some gay friends, but I have never pressed the point," Justice Scalia responded. He offered no clue to the logic behind his claim that orgies eliminate social tensions.
Nobody asked him whether he was familiar with Rick Moody's novel The Ice Storm, turned into a movie by Ang Lee, which appeared to suggest the exact opposite.
"But of course, right now it's about 68 crisp n' flawless pre-fall degrees here in God's Fetish Dungeon, all gorgeous and progressive and non-ravaged, whereas along the Gulf Coast they just finished battening down the hatches and sandbagging the one millionth salmon-colored strip mall and anchoring Jeb Bush's ego in a vat of swamp water and evacuating nearly one million stunned and exhausted citizens for the fourth time, as hurricane Jeanne hammered down and shredded the state. Ironic, if it weren't so sad.
Which sort of makes you think, if I were a God-fearing right-wing BushCo fundamentalist and not, say, a neo-pagan Zen atheist Buddhist Taoist Zoroastrian Orgasmican who uses "Passion of the Christ" DVDs as Astroglide coasters, I might offer up the notion that maybe, just maybe Bush's neoconservative God is more than a mite peeved with the Neon Stucco Retirement State. You think?"
That's a snippet from Mark Morford's latest column, Does God Hate Florida?
Which sort of makes you think, if I were a God-fearing right-wing BushCo fundamentalist and not, say, a neo-pagan Zen atheist Buddhist Taoist Zoroastrian Orgasmican who uses "Passion of the Christ" DVDs as Astroglide coasters, I might offer up the notion that maybe, just maybe Bush's neoconservative God is more than a mite peeved with the Neon Stucco Retirement State. You think?"
That's a snippet from Mark Morford's latest column, Does God Hate Florida?
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