It feels like a leisurely, yet highly productive day.
I'm knocking off complex projects, one at a time.

The sun is out, after 3 or 4 days of dark, cloudy weather. The air is fall. Cool.
The leaves are brighter, deeper, redder.

For the last week or so, I haven't had much of an appetite. It's a familiar pattern. With certain experiences…I'm so full that it feels my belly is full as well. I've been pushing myself to eat.
Today, I picked up some deli food. Lunch consisted of a couple slices of ham, cheese and an apple.
I haven't even been craving chocolate.

After lunch I stepped out on the work deck. Always fascinated by the buildings and rooftops. There is something about all the shapes that turn me on.
One day…I'll come up on a weekend and draw.

It's images like this...that may not look like much. But there are so many drawings in here. In posting, it's a reminder for me.

No, this is not mine.
But I find it exciting.

It is an oil on canvas, by Michael Eder. One of a few that he did of Boston's Big Dig.

The MTA has a page with links to different artists who have captured their vision of the project.

Check it out.

Although almost 8 am, because of the low ceiling and mist, it was still fairly dark out. This was some of my view while waiting for the shrink to come by.

Today, was the first session a week after my last, that had nothing to do with he or I being away.

Two Fridays ago, we saw it was time to cut back from three sessions a week to only one a week.

It's strange how such a change happens. You work really hard for years, feeling as if it's never-ending and then, in my experience anyway, just about wake up one morning and realize it is time.

"How was it, not being here for a week?"
"Odd. I missed you. It was a difficult week, and yet, I knew it was okay. I could handle it."

He smiled.

I have a feeling that sessions may be cut back to once every other in November. But, I'm still taking each week as it comes. Each day as it arrives.

I've been fortunate enough to have a few mentors in my life. He is the one that was able to walk with me further than the others. Yes, not only is he my therapist, but a mentor. My teacher.

The shift would be noticeable, and yet fluid. I could see and feel when it was the psychoanalyst in front of me or the teacher. Each in the perfect time.

Today, after spending the first half talking about my parents...my dad...and stuff, the grief...the letting go, the remainder of the session was spent talking about our relationship and what it has meant over these last 4 years.

I cried because the question of my working hard enough loomed in my head. I don't want to short-change myself, my time, energy and money, nor the energy and investment he has placed in me.

A good analyst can become your Top. If one chooses to go deep...to go to the dark, you need to submit and reveal yourself. It's full vulnerability, baring your naked heart. It is the largest trust relationship I've had to date. And without this particular one, there is no way I could heal enough to open up to the rest of my life. The walls were too thick to see over or through them. The wounds too great.

He recognized the appreciation that welled up inside me. It flowed over and into him.


My life seems to be filling up with goodbyes.
And...I have no clear image as to what my future will look like.

Maybe I need to step through and old doors need to close before things reveal themselves.

Maybe life is really all about goodbyes and hellos. But when I was so stuck and fearful, I didn't want to let go of even the things that were damaging to me. I was gripping the tree branch for dear life instead of jumping in the river and going with the current.

There is something unsettling about that. That's not what I do. I want to be clear, and practical. I desire to make sure I'm walking the right path. I have no qualms about jumping back into the therapy pool with gusto if it's meant to continue.

I'm feeling tentative. And excited. And scared.
This is what it looks like today.

Tomorrow?
We'll see.

In this morning's email~

Great fellowship program:

Echoing Green is accepting applications for its Fellowship program. Two-year fellowships are offered to individuals (or two-person partnerships) to develop their innovative ideas for addressing the most challenging social issues and to test the resulting models. Fellowships are valued at $60,000 over two years for individuals and $90,000 for partnerships. Applications must be submitted December 1, 2006. Visit the website provided above for additional information and guidelines.

More info on their site: http://www.echoinggreen.org/index.cfm

Good morning...

Just notes:


The Seattle Erotic Art Festival is now accepting submissions. The festival is open to the international community.
Artist info and submission form can be found at http://www.seafonline.org.

If interested, there is an SEAF LJ community.

Yesterday I did manage to work.
Spent time with an in-progress piece.
Ruined it.
It's not a bad thing because now it really doesn't matter what I do to the paper. So I'll go back in and destroy some more...curious to see if anything can be resurrected.

The problem was in allowing the piece to feel precious, I became tentative.

From there, although really tired, I pushed myself to begin the first piece for the art meme. Somehow, in not caring, it's blossomed quickly. Now...if I can retain a sense of balance, it may be done much quicker than I expected. Which means, Champdaddy, you may have it soon.

I remembered and shared with someone yesterday that my emotional/sexual/spiritual world has been turned upside down and my body hasn't had a chance to catch up. It's a big part of what has added to my exhaustion. Many times, I don't give enough importance to the impact that emotional energy plays and how it will wear on the physical.

Back to work today. Clearer. Although still lots to do, it feels manageable. The three days off was definitely needed.

Therapy in an hour and there is much to go into. I love surprising my shrink.

Cainer's daily horoscopes are always an interesting read.

I grabbed my camera today. If there is time, pictures later.

The morning greeted me in a most delightful manner.


That's it for now.

Today, I'll spend a little time working more on this...








It's a detail from my latest piece.

Just got home.

No, I didn't go to the Eagle with the others after dinner, although quite tempted. There was the promise of at least one dick to suck which enticed me greatly. But, considering I've been a walking zombie and am now getting my sea legs back (talk about mixing metaphors), I chose not to. I want to draw tomorrow. Heading out to the Eagle would have led to simply crashing tomorrow, recuperating.

I NEED to draw and so am protective of my energy right now.

Dinner was wonderful. I arrived early and sat at the bar, chatting with the servers. One of them asked "is the table of 10 for you and your posse?" I laughed. A little bit later another asked me the same thing.

They had to flip a coin to see who would take our table because apparently it was the only peaceful way to decide. I did not bring my camera because well, I'm still creatively spent.

We got raucous over dinner. It's because the restaurant we're in is safe. They know us. Things I would never dream of doing anywhere else....tend to happen there.

While I was leaned over talking quietly with Qnetter and his partner, the guy on the other side of me was running his finger down my jeans and headed toward my butt. He told me afterward that he had coated his finger in butter. I didn't believe him until he showed me the empty butter paper.
Nasty man.

We are bad when we're all out together. Not always, but most of the time. A little face sucking later on and overall another fabulous evening with family and a couple out of town friends of Hoss'.

Walking home with Auxugen, we bumped into two other men we know. One of them had left a few messages on my voice mail. I'd been carrying his number with me for 2 weeks, but because I'm normally not big on phone stuff...I kept putting it off until more rested. I didn't have his email otherwise I would have dashed off a quick note. So the 4 of us stood on the corner and chatted for a bit, catching up.

All in all...it was an amazing evening.

I have a great family. Some here. Some far away.
And because of it, am quite fortunate.

It's funny how one can carry pain and joy at the same time. I became aware of that possibility a few years back but lately, with the grieving, am acutely aware and in awe of the heart's capacity.

Life is...a lot.

Yesterday was intense.

Saying goodbye to a part of my past-
then quickly connecting with someone because it all felt so strange.
Sitting with the feelings a little bit and from there do some more private writing.

Afterwards, lunch with a friend and then a video shoot where I was the subject. I could feel myself crashing during lunch. After he left, I needed to pull paperwork because I've changed banks...and needed to wait for my banker to call me.

By 3 pm I was spent.

It seems that the goodbye took a larger toll on me than I expected.

The rest of the day consisted of nothing but sitting in my chair, half dozing, half not and trying to zone out on West Wing episodes without falling asleep. My body was so heavy...each step laborious. I counted down to about 8pm when I realistically could go to bed.

In the middle of the night...I woke. My parents came to mind.

You see, I spoke with them on Thursday night. For the first time, at 46, my father told me that I had all this potential and he knew I had sold myself short all my life. He spoke of my strengths, my talents, my heart...my mind. He tried to encourage me.

I was pleased to hear it and sad it was the first time.

When I woke, I cried. The impact of my father's words forcefully hit me. I needed those words from the time I was born, not only more than halfway through my life. Much grief came up.

Yesterday and it seems that this weekend is meant for mourning.
Revisiting my life and letting myself deal with the pain of loss. First my parents, who were my original teachers, and then a mentor.

Tonight I have dinner plans. Other than that...nothing. Nothing but laundry and stopping by the store for nectarines.
I hope to continue to rest...and want to work some drawings. One piece that is in progress and I want to begin the first drawing of 5 that I owe to others.

This is all a needed part of my journey. Although painful, I don't see it as challenging. I know what I have to do. Just go through it.

And, I know I'm not alone.


No photo this morning.
I'm feeling a little too raw and vulnerable to post a photo.
Maybe later...we'll see.

Good morning.
Happy Friday the 13th.

The days are gettting shorter, but when the light comes through, like this morning...
...it makes me smile.

Little shots from my bedroom. I have ideas for drawings...using a few of these and blowing them apart.


















Today, I have 3 things that must be done. Finalize some new banking stuff, someone is picking up artwork, and I need to sit for a videoshoot for someone's class assignment. After that...the rest of the weekend is free.

Yes.....


And here is Morford's column for today - The Sad Death of 'Organic':

"That's when I heard it. The plaintive wail, the sigh, the crack and the moan and the whimper, like a tree shooting itself in the head. It was the final death knell of the "true" organic movement, breathing its last.

Because yes indeed, it's over. Organic is dead. Corporations have officially bought it out, the USDA has weakened its definition to near death, Whole Foods has made it chic and popular and profitable and yet has compromised its integrity like no other by being forced to pretty much ignore small, local farms and ideas of sustainability in favor of staggering commercial growth. And now this.

Did you know? Did you already understand the real definition? Because that's what "organic" was really supposed to mean, way back when: local, sustainable, ethical, connected to source, pesticide- and hormone-free. But the vast majority of organic product now flooding the market only gloms on to that last aspect (and sometimes, barely even that), to meet the USDA's impotent organic guidelines. Ah, government. There's just nothing like it to make you want to smack yourself in the skull with a brick."

At the office, we have a long deck that wraps two sides. Yesterday morning, from my window, the light began to dance, and so, with my camera, stepped outside on the deck and enjoyed the show.


Many of you know I love mornings.
It's clean and quiet. The freneticism of daily life has yet to begin. It is a time of possibility.

There were many mornings I didn't like - the days when I couldn't fathom opening my eyes because it meant facing another day of pain and of pretend. Making myself move through each moment wondering what the point was and working hard not to contaminate all around me with the poison seeping from my pores.

I am grateful for the difficult darkness. If it weren't for the abyss, the valleys, the jungle where I'd find myself tangled in vines, I wouldn't know the joy and bliss that is now filling my life. And I know the dark can't be kept at bay. It will return when it needs to, when it is time for me to uncover another layer.

Light isn't light without the darkness.

In the meantime...I will immerse myself in blessedness.


Lately, I feel I've been living two lives, separate and yet not. It is all me. And each add to the richness of the day and of the night. Sometimes, the struggle to be present in the moment is a challenge. I wonder about time and space. Physics is foreign to me because I had a massive fear of science. But what I feel is...it is all one. Very little is linear.
Interconnected, interdependent, intertwined.



Now I'm just babbling and that means it's time to jump into my work.

Have a good day...

Long day.

After work I met Auxugen for dinner at Septieme to dole out some requested advice. I thought it would be a short dinner until Hoss walked by on his way to the gym and popped in when he saw us. He headed out again, and returned a very short time later with his boy...and they both joined us for another hour or so. Spontaneous event. I love those.

On my walk down to the Cafe, my camera was in hand and I was shooting quite a bit. When I first arrived at the restaurant, the light outside was so inviting. It was a warm night, not too cool, considering it's October. They opened out onto the sidewalk and you could feel a slow, easy feeling in the air.


Today I received a very nice gift from Thor. You can check it out here. Again, thank you.

Home now. And no "shoulds". Nothing but sitting here for a bit and then early to bed.

Tonight is a hard night. I know it goes hand in hand with the glory I've been experiencing lately, but tonight my heart hurts.

I was working last night.

It's almost crazy. I was exhausted. Still. But not only did I want to work, something inside needed to.

This weekend I am taking my full three days off. I need to rest. It dawned on me that not only is it a combination of playing catch up from sleep dep that goes back to before my NYC trip and a busy season at work, but there are so many brand new very big things in my life right now. And it's all working hand in hand with letting go of the past.

I'm sitting here in tears right now because I still can't believe how amazing life can be. Amazing...a word I'm using quite often lately.
The connection is deliciously fierce.

It comes with difficulty...part of the package.
Sweet torture.

Nothing is all one or the other.

Last night I worked. Worked on a drawing.
Working is good.

My living room/kitchen/studio.





It's Wednesday and so here is Freewill Astrology as well as Mark Morford in Gay Republicans. All My Fault.

Happy Coming Out Day.

Smiling.
Nina Simone's voice is coming through my speakers right now, singing...Feeling Good.

Funny.

After I blogged yesterday afternoon, little by little things began to smooth out…to the point where I even envisioned each drawing….based on the recipient.

The ideas, many times are the hardest. I don't create well on demand. It's always been a challenge.
But now, it's a matter of tackling each, one at a time, and working it through.

In addition, although I thought I was too tired, there was enough energy to even work some sketches.

This morning my heart and belly are more full than I thought possible.
I'm learning there isn't such a thing as too much goodness. The more we open, expand and give, not only is there a greater capacity for receiving but in that, more is bestowed.






My office.
The right side of my desk butts up against the window. This is on my sill. The building in back? That's where I lived before I needed to move to my current place, due to the middle of the night drug deals keeping me awake.
The long brown rod is actually some type of pod. A coworker went to Paris a few years back and brought one back for each of us. He and I have something in common. We both like that shape.

I am still so very tired. Yesterday after the event I napped a bit. Today, I took comp time in the afternoon, came home, and couldn't keep my eyes open.

There is so much whirling in my heart, mind and body and I'm not sure where to begin or how to write about it. In addition, there are a couple other writing pieces I want to finish. On top of that, some art work for 5 friends. I have a few items to ship out. And...there's regular daily drawing.

Maybe I need to submit to my body and let it really rest for a day. Maybe that's the only way everything else will happen. I am considering actually taking tomorrow off. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

Therapy was very tough today.
I'm working on letting go of my past as well as learning to embrace the newness...deeming myself worthy.

Here is a blast from said past. 5 years past.
Want to see what I looked like with long hair...and 20 pounds lighter?

I was still in training. The boy, Corey, was also in training at the time. You can see the remnants of a play party because additional dungeon furniture was brought in and set up in the living room. The boots I had earned a month or two earlier.

Today I needed to help out for a work event. It was a 5K run/walk, held at Seward Park. While waiting for the donated coffee from the coffeeshop, I stepped outside to take a few photos.

Somehow...my finger seriously slipped. I'm sure it had something to do with being 7:15 and I hadn't had coffee yet.
Don't quite know what I thought I was going to shoot, but it feels good.





This year they moved the water/food tent (my job) to the finish line and it made for an easier time. I had 2 hours to myself, by the water, hanging near the table. No schmoozing, until folks approached the finish line. Therefore although I'm very ready for a nap, the depletion isn't as great.





I was still pretty tired even before all the people showed up and so not only did I keep my camera mostly tucked away but I didn't even pull out my sketchbook while waiting. The other only introvert in the office was given parking detail. He was down near me, also mostly to himself. So it worked out well. The entire event ran smoothly. People seemed to have fun.

Simple things.






It's my only day off until next Friday.

Pick up the clutter.
Do dishes.
Tend to plants.
Laundry.
Write.
Eat.
Walk.
See if the figs are ready for picking.
Draw.
Masturbate.
Rest.


(if you click on the photo and only get gobbley-gook, hit refresh. it's being funky.)

Romp Naked and Three Dollar Bill Cinema co-present:

Naked Movie Night

Featuring a screening of
HAUNTED HONEYMOON directed by and starring Gene Wilder plus Gilda Radner, Dom Deluise, and more!
Sunday, Oct. 8, 7pm
$3 tickets in advance
Velocity Dance Center
915 East Pine Street
Seattle, WA 98122

Popcorn and non-alcoholic beverages available
Bring a pillow, blanket or comfy chair.

Click here for more info.

Morford today: My Secret IMs with 'The Cowboy'.

Today is...






I don't wear them often.

Because I walk more often than not, I've yet to find a pair comfortable for walking all over creation. And they need to kick off easily because when I'm indoors, the footwear disappears. Even at work. I'll be barefoot or in socks. I'm here on my day off and wanted a treat. As I slipped on my jeans, my eyes caught the boots in the corner and knew it would be boot day.