I had hoped to be posting pictures of something else, such as a new studio and its surrounding, but it wasn't meant to be.

Yesterday morning I went to look at a live/work space. I expect the ad to come down soon because sadly, it had just been rented. Check out the link while you can (there are photos near the bottom).

The whole thing is only $75 more a month than what I'm paying for my 300 square ft apt. Right now, I'm working in about 5 square feet.

It was a little adventure worth going on. Afterward, C and I went to see the Hat and Boots, originally a gas station back in the '50's, and moved to Oxbow park a few years ago.




For years I had been fascinated by the old structures...sitting, rotting away in an empty lot and wondered what it looked like in its new setting. Although I'm glad they've been preserved, there was something so perfect in the desolation of it's original home.

Here is this week's Freewill Astrology.

It's the Fourth. I could go off on a diatribe but don't want to waste my breath. I haven't felt good about our country for a long time. Instead, check out this entry by Nayland Blake.

Each day brings more strength. I'm still taking it slow at work this week. It's a short week and I've opted to work half days, not to overdo it.

Yesterday, for the first time in almost a month, I painted.
The hunger has been there, but that was it. There wasn't any stamina to work.

Although I had given in to my body's need for rest, there was something very unsettling in the fact that I couldn't work. I felt stripped of my identity and purpose.

In slowing down, I stepped deeper into the shadows.

With the uncomfortableness came an excitement because it was the first time in my life I really saw who I was. Not being able to paint showed me I was born to do so. It wasn't a hobby. It wasn't something I can diddle with whenever the feeling comes up.

While resting yesterday afternoon, out of the blue, a massive surge of sexual energy filled me. It hungered for release. I knew it was time to paint.

I worked for an hour. 5 little oils, black on white. I posted a few of them yesterday. Quick little studies...moving my hand.

Jacking off on canvas is similar to playing with my cunt. The only thing I didn't do, because of prior instructions, was physically cum.

Being a pig, a perv, a masochist is an important part of my being, but painter is who I am. It needs to be first and foremost in my life. Everything else, although it can enhance, also has the dangerous potential of being a distraction. Vigilance is important. In that, discernment.

It needs to develop into a practice.

Each time I am at the worktable, regardless of whatever is going on in my head or heart, be it joy or anxiety, I feel the connectedness. It is my zazen, my time of meditation and centeredness.

It connects me to the fire in my soul and in doing so, blankets me in pure sexual energy.

A few of you tagged me for a meme that's been going around.

Instructions: Write about seven random facts or habits about you, and post with these rules. Choose 7 people to tag and list their names.


1. When I hit a problem at work, I say "uh oh..."
Coworkers in near offices would each pipe up "what's wrong?"
Then within about 30 seconds I'd always declare "oh, never mind."

It's only taken about 5 years, but now my coworkers know to not only not ask, but one of them will sometimes begin the countdown to my "oh, never mind."


2. Another work-related thing: when I'm happy, and I'm groovin' on a project... "la-la-la" slips out in three notes. If I were sitting at a piano, I could tell you which three they are...


3. When someone comments on how good the leftover dessert is...I tend to say "you know, it would be really good nuked for 10 seconds and then throw a scoop of ice cream on it..."
A few coworkers have teased me about creating such a cookbook.

But seriously, many left over desserts would be fab that way. It doesn't need to be piping hot...but just enough to melt the chocolate...into rich gooey deliciousness.


4. When I'm at home alone and troubled by something....I'll go outside, pace on the sidewalk and talk myself through the problem or issue. What is new is that I'm trying to be aware of using an internal voice instead of having folks think I'm nuts by muttering to myself in public.


5. If I'm sick, I have to pick up the clutter in my house before I lay down, otherwise I can't relax and be sick.


6. I can cum by having my hair pulled in just a certain spot. But if people do it and it feels like they are using me as a party-trick (which has happened)...it doesn't work. Instead, I just get pissed.


7. There are times when I need to pull back and retreat. It's not depression, yet instead, so much is happening and I don't know how or even if I should share. I'll open up to one or two, but even in those cases, there is a lot that remains inside.

This is one of those times and why it's been a while since I've done my regular kind of blogging.

My life is changing so quickly and I've been quite protective of these changes. I struggle between balancing the nurturing comfort of a cave to protect my newness with the awareness that I don't want shut people out...juggling both.


Bonus fact/quirk:
I'm not a tagger. So instead of tagging, any of you who'd like to share...I'd love to read it.

Today, as yesterday, was filled with resting. That is, other than a quick trip to the shipping store at noon to send out a surprise package and then an hour or so at Linda's for drinks and a kick ass very good and extremely cheap meatloaf dinner with the crew.

The meal was good, because I've noticed my appetite sagging this week.

I just had to get out for a specky bit.
Even took photos tonight.

Other than that, I'm seriously resting. Once I submitted to my body's need for time out, it's become easier to do.

Still washed out. Today I was so tired that even 2 hours in the office was unthinkable. So here I am.

And the thought of being with people right now is also exhausting.

I've lost my appetite in the last couple days. Forcing myself to eat things that feel simple and go down easy. Keeping up the nutrition end.

Biopsy results came back benign, which I expected although it's always nice to have official word.

Last night, I spent an hour laying in my big chair and worked 3 pages of thumbnail sketches in my special sketchbook. The prompting helped. Thank you. It felt good to move my hand a little.

I'm not as cold as I've been.

It'll be nice to get back to the challenge of regular entries with photos shot within a day or so of the entry.

This one was from the Blue and Gold bar in NYC. I had gone to the bathroom, noticed the light fixture, went back to the table to grab my camera and hit the bathroom again to shoot. Took a bunch in that little room. It's not the first time that I've done that with something that caught my eye in a public bathroom.

The image reminds me a little of some of last night's sketches.

My friends think I'm strange.

Soon, less boring entries.

Taken at the Christopher St. pier and cross-posted to the New York in Black and White community.

Here is this week's Freewill Astrology.

Exhaustion.

I didn't know I was signing up for this when I went in for "minor" surgery on Friday.

Yesterday I managed to barely work 3 hours and needed to come home and lay down. In the afternoon, energy returned and so I walked 2 short flat blocks to the grocery store, purchased a couple small items and returned home, only to have to stay put again.

The hospital called with a check in and told me the tiredness could take up to about 4 weeks to disappear. It doesn't fully make sense to me. I didn't have major, invasive surgery. No pain. No scars.

And after another, much anticipated, phone call last night where it was pressed upon me to take care of myself, I made a better emotional effort to honor my body and rest.

Submit.
Surrender to what my being is telling me.

So today and the rest of the week, I'm only working about 3 hours a day. Slowing down and let my insides heal.

Gotta paint.

I hope, hope, hope my energy increases this week so I can work on my art.
I miss it.

There are many projects floating around in my head:

~combine still life with the abstractions I've been doing

~work black and white oil paintings

~a mishmash of figurative images

~create a little book from some of the ink paintings of last winter (as previously suggested to me)

And before I begin working, I must sort through my paintings and put the completed ones in another room. There are a couple paintings I loved and felt were finished, yet during a frenzied painting session, I'd work over them because I'd grab the canvas closest to me.

In the last few months I've discovered that working is where I find my center. In painting, is solace.

It is one place I fit...the biggest one.

Yesterday was the first of our two gay pride parades and festivals. This one took place on Capitol Hill and today's festivities are downtown and at the Seattle Center.

In the afternoon, seeing it's only 4 blocks from my house, I walked to Volunteer Park to check out Queer Fest and hang with the leatherfolks for a bit. They had garnered a small section of the park where Generic Leather Productions was hosting a sandwich buffet.

It was a nice event and I had the opportunity and surprise to see a few folks I hadn't seen in far too long such as Tony, playing with his bullwhip, Gene, Odie, mitch and others.

In addition, when I mentioned that I wanted to attend last night's party, but didn't have the energy for heavy play because of Friday's surgery, two tops decided that I could be in a sleepsack and hood...maybe rolled over on the floor or suspended. They would bring their gear for me. It was a fabulous idea and I was looking forward to it.

Heaven.

My energy lasted about an hour and I needed to return home.

I crashed.
Crashed hard.

About an hour or so before the party I had to call one of the Tops and let them know I couldn't make it. My energy still hadn't returned. I couldn't even fathom walking down the stairs let alone going out.

I guess this surgery took more out of me than I thought.
It's deceiving when there are no other signs, such as pain.

The rest of the evening was spent curled up in my chair with Season 1 of Angel on dvd.

So how did this end up stuck to my denimed thigh in a bar last night considering 8 hours earlier I was fully knocked out and having surgery?


Because I'm stubborn. That's why.

Surgery went well. In at 8. In the OR at 10. Woke up in recovery at 10:40 and home around 12:30. Barely any bleeding which ended before I left the hospital. No pain...and therefore never took the codeine which is still sitting in my bag, nor needed anything while in recovery either. That is, no pain except for the headache from the anesthesia which would hit whenever I stood up.

Biopsy will take a few days and I don't expect any bad surprises.


When I stayed still, I'd begin to feel energized and would get up and move. After a few minutes, I'd be wiped and my head would pound. Back to bed. The bunny was wonderful. He was right there...helping me all day until late last night.

The way I know I'm really wiped is when I actually allow someone to do things for me...or even (gasp) ask for something, such as water or food.

About 5 pm I was antsy. Feeling a little stronger, I asked C if he'd drive me to FELS, the Libation Society gathering for an hour or so. I needed to get out for a bit and promised I'd leave when I was exhausted. He acquiesced. We went.

It's the beginning of Pride weekend.

While sitting on the couch in the bar of The Rosebud, someone slapped the sticker on my thigh.

My presurgery drip taken in post op:



(It's a little challenging trying to take a photo when your trigger finger has that pulse measuring thingy on it)


And my after post surgery drip - a seabreeze...



I have more to write about yesterday's experience but want to share it with a certain someone first. He has sporadic and spotty cell reception this weekend and sadly, in the 10 minutes I stepped out for coffee this morning, I missed his call.

Yesterday was powerful. It ended up being a pretty intense scene that touched upon much more than my uterus. It went deep. I realized it in the afternoon and was the reason I needed to get out, with people, and grab a quick drink. It was a way of grounding myself.

Last night I received an invitation for a play party, set up for heavy players. It's tomorrow evening, and because of today's procedure, I doubt I'll be in a condition to play.

Sigh.

C is picking me up in a half hour to take me to the hospital.

Pride is this weekend. I'm not sure how much of the festivities I'll be able to attend.

It's a fucking strange weekend.
Everything is up in the air.

Unsettled and odd. So much happening internally and weirdly, not really related to today's medical stuff. I'm feeling very isolated and out of sorts. Confused about where I belong and how I see myself in this world. Definitely a square box trying to fit in a round hole kind of day.

Intense play would have been perfect.
Shake out the kinks.

Some of the glitz found at Glitz On Broadway!, a new shop I discovered last night while walking around with my coworkers. We popped in so one of them could try on a few things. It's a fun shop.

In the back of the shop, is this tribute to Marilyn:

What a long day!

I left for work early yesterday morning and didn't get home until 10 pm. It was a staff retreat day. All 13 of us met at a donor's home that was offered to us for the day. This image is from their window. Lovely setting. It made for a special day.

Afterward, one of the regional staff and I went out for happy hour drinks, and then met up with two others for dinner. It was a wonderful time.

Here is this week's Freewill Astrology that I didn't get a chance to post yesterday.

Tomorrow, I'm going in for some minor outpatient surgery...a D & C. They need to take out the mass from my uterine wall for biopsy. We're all pretty sure it's only a polyp, so I'm not too worried. It seems the recovery from the general anesthesia will take longer than recovering from the procedure. So, depending upon my stamina, I may or may not be posting tomorrow.


I haven't painted or drawn this week. It's been a busy week and on top of it, I've been fully exhausted when I've gotten home from work. Simply depleted. Maybe I can do a bit on Saturday afternoon or Sunday.

There's more to write and hopefully I can get to it later today.

The sun is shining...and I've much to do at work. Have a good day!

Creature Comforts


My new favorite tv show and it's actually on a major network, Monday nights on CBS. Yeah...I'm surprised. It feels like a cable show.

It's good and one of the few shows (seeing I don't have cable) where I burst out laughing a few times.

Interviews are done with the general public and then they are added to claymation animals. Here's the wiki info on the show which did begin in Britain.

You can go here to watch some of the episodes.

From Ghetto of our Mind blog:

"Hailed as a cross between "Wallace and Gromit" and This American Life, "Creature Comforts" uses Nick Park's trademark stop-motion animation to give voice to real-person interviews of everyday Americans all across the country."

It's the beginning of gay pride week in Seattle. Tonight I noticed one of tenants in our building has a large pride flag flying from outside his window. It makes me smile.

I haven't gotten back to drawing yet, but should at least pick up my drawing book for a bit tonight. Little by little, I plan on doing more.

Father's Day, just like Mother's Day, pretty much trashes me. Many complicated feelings. But this evening I spoke with my parents for an hour. At some point, we got into a groove where I could meet them where they are at. Times like that allows the conversation to flow. I wish it could happen more.


Lately I've been feeling very private.
What I will say is how incredibly fortunate I am.

"Who can sleep with brows on the prowl?"

On Friday, Roger and I caught a Larry Blamire film that he was premiering at SIFF - Trail of the Screaming Forehead.

"The converging plotlines concern a small town infestation of crawling foreheads that begin attaching to people and taking them over," Blamire says. "Unfortunately, they stick out -- perhaps the most obvious 'secret' invasion ever. Meanwhile, a scientist's experiments withdrawing foreheadazine (trying to prove that the forehead is the source of all human knowledge) go horribly, horribly wrong.... The fate of the town rests with Big Dan Frater and his pal Dutch "The Swede" Annacrombie, helped by the town's ace librarian, Miss Millie Healey."

Although there really weren't enough jokes for an hour and half, it was silly, deeply color-saturated fun. Check out the trailer in the above link.

On Saturday night, while out at dinner in celebration of D's birthday and splitting an appetizer of scallops, prawns and squid, we enjoyed another, albeit unintentional, homage to old creature feature films:




What a good looking birthday guy but watch out for his bite!

I opted to only do a photo blog while on vacation, because well…I was on vacation. The break from having to compose was wonderful.

Bullet blog entry:

I enjoyed hanging out some with some good friends - Kerry...Matt.

Seeing Thor, Jeff and others was also a big treat.

Connecting with newer folks on a greater level. It was wonderful spending time and getting to know Kyle, Pete who came down from Boston and some fun one on one with Ernie.

Ernie and I spent an afternoon at MoMA, meeting in the lobby, each with brand new purchases from The Gap. We were early, and while waiting for the other, both walked into the store to buy a new shirt, not knowing the other was in there shopping!

Being introduced to NYC's oldest gay bar - a nice little piece of history.

Museums, galleries.

Worked drawings just about every day.

Took a buttload of photographs. I'll be posting some more here, as well as continue to post others in the New York in Black and White community.

Becoming more comfortable with the subway system.

Many, many more things.


Leaving was surreal, one reason being seeing this man in the morning...



...then hopping a plane, flying 3000 miles, and an hour after I arrive home, I'm at dinner with these two-



It wasn't near enough time to spend with Bill and Daniel, but I'm thrilled that we had the opportunity to get together for a bit before they flew home the next day.


Nayland, thank you for everything.

For now, a quickie.
I flew back on Tuesday.
Potent trip.
Experiences above and beyond what I could have imagined.

I've spent the last few days immersed in work, dealing with jet lag and resting, resting, resting.

Now I'm off for brunch and errands with Phil, maybe a fun movie later...and I will resume blogging.


(from Projects 85 by Dan Perjovschi at the MoMA)

Somewhere in Prospect Park, Brooklyn~

Boy oh boy they were good.

Chelsea~






(For you)

Captured moments~

Last night....while out for a wonderful evening with Nayland, Kerry and Michael...a bathroom shot from the Blue and Gold bar.

Great jukebox.
Cheap delicious scotch.
Fabulous company.

City Hall Park fountain - NYC

Juxtaposition

Found in the park across the street from the Park Place subway entrance. I think it's City Hall Park.

These were side by side, the metal sculpture on the left and the tree right next to it.

And here is this week's Freewill Astrology.

From Brezsny's newsletter:

"You are gods who have forgotten who they are. You are emperors who have fallen asleep and are dreaming that they have become beggars. Now beggars are trying to become emperors, in dreams they are making great efforts to become emperors, and all that is needed is to wake up!"
- Osho

Here are June's 'scopes from Eric Frances: Planet Waves and Inner Space.

I'm getting used to the heat and so my mind is still mush.
All I have for you is an image I shot yesterday at the airport while rushing to my gate.