Ahhhhhh....

....I can breathe. I just popped in my headphones and cranked my music.
What am I listening to?

A new acquisition.

Last week, while listening to Radio Paradise on iTunes, "Ain't No Sunshine" came on. But this wasn't Bill Withers. It was the best rendition of the song I think I've ever heard. Immediately, I went to the website and checked out the playlist.

Eva Cassidy.

Huh. Never heard of her.
I did some research and then picked up one of her cd's,Time After Time on Sunday.

Eva's cover of "Ain't No Sunshine" feels like I'm floating in a large vat of melted chocolate. It's rich. It's smooth. It's fuckin' sexy.

She died in November 1996, at 33 years old, of bone cancer. Here's her bio. In January of '96 she appeared at Blues Alley in Washington, DC where her concert was recorded. That's the next cd I want to purchase - Live At Blues Alley.

If you'd like to be able to listen to a snippet of each cut off each cd, follow this link. :-)

The Rules:

Grab the nearest book.
Open the book to page 123.
Find the fifth full sentence.
Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
Don't search around for the coolest book you can find. Use what's actually nearest to you.

"Marty says that we have institutionalized an active board and an inactive membership and should consider reorganizing if this is a problem."

From Gay Seattle - Stories of Exile and Belonging by Gary Atkins

*Note for Hoss...I haven't had a chance to read this yet. It's still sitting on my desk. If you'd like to read it first...feel free to borrow it! :-)

IML anyone?
Now here's a statement for ya!

I'm running behind today!

I had an 8am appointment and didn't get up until 7. Normally I'd be out the door by 6 am. Arrived at work at 9:15, and then had a 10am meeting...which just ended. Needless to say I'm late...I'm late...for a very important date – like actual work. The work is piling up on my desk. The 76 page manual I need to read because our bank required us to migrate to a new system for online giving is glaring up at me. And...I'm in the throes, hot and heavy, into the tailend of our phonathon. My first 45 minutes (before the 10 am meeting)...I tried to finish a project on my desk. 3 different folks continued to come in...and ask about queries and puzzles. I was happy to help...but today I wish I were 2 people. And now I have to grab lunch before I sink my teeth into anything else.

So...quickly, here is this week's Freewill Astrology and Mark Morford's latest column. Today is part 2 of his What's on Jesus iPod? inquiry.

Saved by the carrots.

Check out River's entry for May 2, 2005 in Baghdad Burning. It's a good read.
She lives in a war zone, and car bombs are going off in her neighborhood. Yet there are still daily responsiblities and grabbing a semblance of normalcy such as cleaning and taking in the carpets for the summer. How can we even begin to relate?

Found it!

Okay, it wasn't on that disk. Actually the only thing on there was a short artist statement. What's up with that? But while I was on that particular computer, I grabbed my box of disks. Note, when I found the case, I reshuffled the floppies, attempting to put them in some odd order which really didn't make any sense considering all the labels had ambiguous descriptions. Anyway, the very first disk was gold. Not only did it have the resume, but other important documents that I'll need later on. Score!

I've spent the last half hour tweaking it. Still not pleased, but I'll get some advice and tweak some more. Then my next step is to make labels for the slides, print out the application, include a SASE and it goes in the mail by Friday of this week! I'll be a few weeks early which is so unlike me. I'm the classic wait-until-the-last-minute-and-pull-an-all-nighter kinda person. Motivated? I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid that if I don't do this now...I'll really get scared and never do it.

It's exciting to get to this step and know the act of mailing it off will be my reward. For me, it's huge. At the same time, I'm beginning to fantasize about what it would be like if my work was accepted. Yeah, titillating. And frustrating. I don't want to get attached to that kind of goal. That's the stuff that ruins painting for me. But right now I'm not going to use that as an excuse to not go ahead with this project. Instead, I'll just deal with whatever stuff comes up from it.

Guess what? I think I found the old computer disk with my resume. You see, on Sunday I pulled out a disk case with about 15 disks. I wasn't thrilled about going through each one. Some days, I just don't have the patience for it. But I brought it to work and figured I'd go through, one by one. Well I didn't do it yesterday.

Last night, while kicking back, I decided to go through the boxes in my art closet. Ha. Crazy, I know. I don't have the patience to sit and go through disks and yet I think I have the oomph to pull out each box (and they are stacked in the perfect order, allowing for everything to fit just right in the closet).

It didn't take long to fill up my entry way with boxes. But then I found a box. It had all my slides, going back to 1983. I pulled a few things out...and almost gave up. My fingers grazed against a paper bag, laying flat in the very bottom of the box. Being the curious sort, I made a quick job of emptying the box, pulled out the bag and lo! There were copies of my artist statement and price list from my very last show.

And...tucked in the bottom of that bag...a 3 inch computer disk. Ohhhhh. What are the odds that it has all the latest and greatest info on there?

So here I am at work, disk in my knapsack. No. I haven't checked it out yet. Why? Because I'm sitting here talking to you! And, it's only about 6:30 am and I'm taking advantage of the darkness and absolute quiet at work before my chipper coworkers slowly drift in. And most importantly, procrastinating.

Okay, okay. I'll boot up the other computer so I can check this out. Be back.

Longing-

Have you ever met someone that you simply clicked with...immediately?
I am NOT talking in the romantic, head over heels, in lust kind of way...but in a spiritual, intellectual, creative sense. The feeling that somehow the person is a part of you – a deep soul friendship. I have a few of those connections in my life, and I cherish them immensely.

Now have you ever had that kind of connection and yet you couldn't realize it?

It is bizarre. There are two different people that are in the periphery of my life, yet when I met them, oddly enough, each about 4 or 5 years ago...I knew it was that strange type of connection. The sad part is, with each of those people, we can't get it together and develop a friendship. Life stuff discourages such a relationship.

For the last few weeks, I've been feeling the pain of the lack of those relationships more and more acutely. I don't know why. But it's a profound ache that goes deep to my belly.

Today it is especially sharp. Sigh...

...something must be a brewin'.

Well. I expected to post something last night. And then this morning. But after I returned home yesterday about dinnertime, I was exhausted. Absolutely beat. It carried through until tonight. Not physically tired but mentally drained. The idea of writing anything made me even more tired.

I know what the shrink would say. I can hear him now. He'd remind me that it's been a big week and I pushed through a lot. He'd say it's not surprising I'm tired. But me being me says "hogwash." It doesn't help. Yet all I can do is listen to my body and rest when it clamors for it. Ugh.

Anyway, I picked up the slides yesterday. I'm thrilled that I paid a professional to shoot them. This guy seems to shoot mostly artwork. His studio is only about 8 blocks from where I live, in an artist coop. It's a great space. He showed me loads of sample slides. Photographing 2 and 3d work. I saw examples of quilts and paintings and works on paper. He was in the process of shooting a gorgeous painting that was at least half covered in gold leaf. In the sample slides I could see any texture that was in the original. And that's what I see in my slides as well. 2 of my paintings aren't smooth. There are thick brushstrokes and they came out wonderfully. I had 3 slides shot of each painting.

Tomorrow I hope to look for my art resume. It won't have changed much since the last time. All I need to do is add 2 solo shows. One from '99 and the other from either '01 or '02. I'll have to figure that one out.

I can tell I'm getting better. Feeling like a new old me. Want to know how I know? I've been friggin' horny. I wank off often anyway. But now, I'm pulling out my toys. I haven't used toys when jacking off in almost a year. Now it's morning and night. It's how I get myself to sleep and the best way to wake up in the morning.

On to other types of sex. Zazen. For many months I've considered trying sitting meditation. Thing is, I won't do it alone. Not to start, anyway. Instead, I'd want to find a group that's comfortable and begin there. With each passing week, the feeling is stronger. And I'm holding off. Or maybe I'm fighting it. But here are my reasons. First, the act of joining a group to sit means I'd get involved in some organized religious thing. And although religion, in and of itself, isn't evil, it's not something I'm running toward. Maybe if I found a group that didn't have statues of buddha and didn't discuss precepts and doctrine...maybe I could handle it better. I come from a home where Catholicism was celebrated and lived in a cultish manner. I'm leery of any formalized practice.

Secondly, I don't know if my interest stems from getting closer to the shrink. I have to wonder about that. This desire needs to be my own and not one that comes from a place where I want to access someone I trust on a different level. I have discussed it periodically with the shrink. He has told me that I'm welcome to come and sit with his sangha. To keep boundaries clear, I could not become his student. He's my therapist, not my spiritual director. Although at times, in our conversations, given the nature of psychotherapy, I know the line between the two blur. It's understandable, especially because I can't compartmentalize different aspects of my life and being. To me, it's all the one and the same. One big muddled mess. Art, sex, spirit, food, music, books, s/m. They all have the capacity of bringing me to an ecstatic state. Transcendence. And at different times, each have. Some of my most mind blowing orgasms have not come from what is considered traditional sex. So how can I split it up? I wouldn't want to.

Third, which follows from that last thought, if I found a group I wanted to sit with, I need to be allowed to bring my whole self there. I can't hide my s/m and my question mark sexuality. It needs to be as okay to bring that part of me into the community as it is the fact I work for a nonprofit or one day I'll be painting again. Not that I go out blurting trash talk, although I am more at home with folks who aren't afraid of sexual talk, but I will not allow myself to be stifled.

Most of the world is uncomfortable with freaks. It's a given. There are times I need to deal with that. So I am not going to knowingly place myself in a situation where I need to watch my words or shield myself. Especially...especially if I'm seeking out a group to access another part of my spirituality.

Maybe I'm being extra sensitive to this, but considering where I came from, it's understandable. I wonder if it'll even out with time.

So I wait. And I wait some more.

Thing is, I had an opportunity to sit with a group once. Only once. It was last June during my first visit to the Mountain. The men invited me into the temple with them, for their communal sit. I sat. It felt as if I had come home. There was such a calmness. Tears of joy and disbelief quietly flowed down my face. After the hour a few of the men approached me and remarked on how well I fit in that space. And then I cried because I had a feeling it would be a long while before I'd access something like that again. The beauty of that group is that each brought their own religious or nonreligious belief to this silent meditation. It wasn't where everyone used the same god or prayers. Instead the room was large enough to hold the uniqueness of each spirit. The holiness came from the authencity and acceptance of all, joined together. The silence and stillness bound us as one.

That's where I'm at. I wait.

And now I think I'll immerse myself in some mindful mindlessness for the rest of the evening. "Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone" is on tv. Have a nice evening all.

I'm around today. It's my day off and I actually took it as such.
Right now I'm headed out the door for some kickass Pho with Sir. On the way I'll be picking up my paintings and slides. Woohoo! Later this afternoon I need to find the bio & art resume that I have stored on a 3"disk and update it. I'll take it to work so I can read the damned thing and print out the application and make labels for the slides.

Be back later for an entry.
Oh yeah, did I mention that today is deliciously cloudy, rainy and cool? Such a perfect day for Pho...

Guess what I'm doing today?

-I'm having 3 of my paintings photographed.

Why?

-I need 35mm slides.

Why?

-To send to NYC.

Why?

-I'm...umm...submitting work for a juried art show there.

Whoa.

Yeah.

"What's up with that?" you ask.

Well, it's actually Drub's fault. :-)

I saw a 'Call for Art' listing and I passed it along to Drub, in case he hadn't seen it. He responded. And there was one critical line in his email.
"So are you going to submit anything?"

Ugh.

You see, it's easy for me to gloss over something I may not want to look at. But when I'm confronted with the question, then I'm forced to make a conscious decision. Fuck. His question nagged at me for a few days.
Then Hoss posted the photo of my painting.

It almost feels like a domino effect. The time is right. And it is good. Whether or not I get accepted in the show is pretty irrelevant. For me, what's huge, is the fact that I'm entering. Standing back, watching my life and evolution, I see this as an important step to claiming who I am. And I know it's one step closer to actually painting again.

I've been fluctuating between excitement and sheer terror over this decision. But I'm determined.

Hoss mentioned I rarely sell my work. Boichick caught that statement and questioned me about it.

When I shakily considered entering a piece, I thought I knew which piece I'd submit. Reading through the requirements I realized that all work accepted would have to be for sale. So that piece was out because it's part of someone else's private collection. I would have borrowed it for the show. Mentally working through my inventory, I remembered 3 other paintings. But the idea of selling them hurt. It hurt in the most fierce way.

I thought of the paintings I have sold in the past and although I'm touched they sold, considering most went to collectors and gallery directors, I wish I still had all that work in my tight clutches. Hmmm...interesting. Another piece of the puzzle why I'm not painting? I can't let go.

Discussing it with my shrink, he showed me another side. The reason I can't let go is because I wasn't painting enough. The lack of work made each piece so precious. When I finally worked through a particular challenge, I felt I'd never be able to do it again. That was THE ONE. Each of them were THE ONE.
I wasn't pushing myself. I wasn't painting. I wasn't painting. I am not painting.

Sunday morning, I sat in my chair and cried for a few hours. Not a sobbing, gut wrenching cry, but big silent tears poured down and drenched my face. I could feel the small child finally mourning for what they didn't have...the ability to be seen by others. I immersed myself in the awkward, painful uncomfortable feeling of invisibility that the 5 year old had each day. And from there, the child's logic led to the idea that because they weren't seen they must not be worth anything, took hold of my adult self.

This is why it's important for me to submit this work. It's time to claim myself and begin to prove to myself, for myself, that regardless of whether or not anyone else sees me, I know my value. Fucking tough stuff man.

Last week with the shrink –

me: So intellectually I get all of it. I understand why I'm broken. How do I get to the other side?
shrink: Suffer through it.
me: (leave it to a damned buddhist)

But he's right. I know he's right. All I can do is tuck the knowledge of suffering in my pocket, take a deep belly breath and then the next step.

I've been sleeping so soundly and quite deep that I wake groggy each morning. It takes a while to become clear-headed and therefore I can't seem to write in the morning. My days have been full by trying to play catch up from going to work as half a person last week. So I'm beat in the evenings.

For now, here is Rob Brezsny's horoscope for this week.

I think Mark Morford LOVES his iPod. This week he begins with:

"You know he has one.

You know it's the big 60GB model, loaded, flawless and gleaming and radiating a strange liquid ethereal glow and couched in a beautiful custom rainbow-colored biodegradable case made of clouds and eagle feathers and wine."

And a little further on he continues:

"After all, Jesus was a rebel. Jesus was the Original Liberal. Jesus was a devoted pacifist and a badass egalitarian and his best friends were all whores and dissidents and freethinkers and miscreants, artists of every shape and size and haircut and of course, were he walking around today, Jesus would be pretty much loathed and ostracized if not outright hacked to bits by the Christian Right. "Goddamn hippie liberal tree hugger," they'd sneer, waving scythes and Bibles. "What the hell?" Jesus would say."

Yup, in today's column Morford wonders what Jesus has on his iPod.

A gift...

...want to see one of my paintings? It's an old one, completed in '98. I sold the piece in December and the recipient just posted the image on his LJ.


I painted this from the top of the parking garage in Portsmouth, NH. It was the only place where I could paint in town and not be bothered by people.

Here you go.

I have loads to write about and expected to do it this evening. But I've been busy and it isn't going to happen tonight. Between new thoughts about my painting, the desire to finish writing my experience from Prix Fixe, and oodles of stuff, I need to kick it into gear. My head is busting at the seams!

It should be easier now that I'm feeling better. Have a nice evening everyone.

I never do these...but was seduced tonight. What can I say? It was an insanely busy day, and this is all I had energy for...


You are a stone key, and you unlock old and magical
secrets. What you have to offer is powerful and
difficult for many to understand, but
invaluable to the few who can truly grasp it.
Give the things you have carefully and
wisely, because not everyone will use them for
good.


What sort of key are you and what do you unlock?
brought to you by Quizilla

I've been recovering from a bad drug interaction. Antibiotics. Who woulda thunk? Obviously not me. It's never happened before. I was so incredibly sick for most of last week, and didn't tell anyone. That was because I was afraid I had caught that damned bug/cold thing again for the 4th time...and didn't want to think about it. So my coworkers knew I was ill...but I didn't let on how bad it was.

It scared me because I had symptoms I'd never had before. 3 days of intense sweating, the sleeplessness, the all over itching twice a day that makes you want to slash your wrists and the most frightening were the really painful lumps at the base of my neck that I'd notice in the morning and then go away during the day while I was upright. Talk about being pretty creeped out.

On Friday morning I took the last of the antibiotics I was on. By noon I figured out what was happening. Yesterday, I did a work thing and then went home to crash. I laid low the rest of the weekend. And I haven't had any of those symptoms since Friday afternoon. I can't remember the name of the antibiotic but the bottle is in my desk at work. I'll call the doctor this week just to let her know. This is one to remember. Shit.

And I've been feeling so good since yesterday. Wiped from the onslaught but much better. It's as if I can breathe again.

I hate taking meds.

Guilty pleasure -

I'm now curled up in bed, having brought the tv in my room and getting ready to watch April in Paris on PBS, with Doris Day and Ray Bolger.

Microsoft Comes Under Fire for Reversal on Gay Rights Bill

By Sarah Kershaw

Published: April 22, 2005

SEATTLE, April 21 - The Microsoft Corporation, at the forefront of corporate gay rights for decades, is coming under fire from gay rights groups, politicians and its own employees for withdrawing its support for a state bill that would have barred discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.
Read the entire article.

Let's end the day with a change of pace, shall we?

With a nod to Padacia, look at this wonderful New York Review of Books gallery by artist and illustrator David Levine. There's a lot to check out. Browse by year or category. In addition here's an extra link showcasing more of his work.

...we received word that HB 1515 did not pass by one vote. After stalling and near derailing last week, it finally made it to the Senate today, and then lost by one vote. Thirty years of trying to get a civil rights bill to include sexual orientation and now we'll have to try again next year. See the details on the movement of the bill here.

From the WA State Legislature website:

HB 1515
Senate vote on 3rd Reading & Final Passage as Amended by the Senate
4/21/2005

Yeas: 24 Nays: 25 Absent: 0 Excused: 0

Voting Yea: Senators Berkey, Brown, Doumit, Eide, Fairley, Franklin, Fraser, Haugen, Jacobsen, Kastama, Keiser, Kline, Kohl-Welles, McAuliffe, Poulsen, Prentice, Pridemore, Rasmussen, Regala, Rockefeller, Shin, Spanel, Thibaudeau, and Weinstein.

Voting Nay: Senators Benson, Benton, Brandland, Carrell, Deccio, Delvin, Esser, Finkbeiner, Hargrove, Hewitt, Honeyford, Johnson, McCaslin, Morton, Mulliken, Oke, Parlette, Pflug, Roach, Schmidt, Schoesler, Sheldon, Stevens, Swecker, and Zarelli.

Absent:
Excused: