Treat time~
After 3 and I'm alone in the office. It's raining and dark outside. I have another couple hours of work before heading out. I was seriously hankering for an elf to show up with a latte in hand. It would get me through to the end. Lo, I ended up with something better.
Chocolate!
While going to make a cup of tea (yeah, I know, not as decadent as a latte), I wandered into the conference room...just wishing. On our conference table we have two baskets. One is filled with small toys to keep our hands occupied during meetings. The other, with hard candies. Someone, sometime between yesterday and now placed chocolate coins in the candy basket.
Score!
Friday, December 30, 2005
Resolutions
On my way to work I was thinking about resolutions. In the past, I've never really been one for New Year's resolutions but for some reason, I wanted to be conscious of that.
As I've said earlier this month, I have no idea where I'm going, what I'm doing and what's in store. Generalities yes, but I don't dare cement anything because it seems critical for me to go with the flow. Yeah, I know. Kinda woowoo. Truth sometimes is.
In this, I came up with my resolution.
~~~~~~~~~~
I resolve to keep on keepin' on. I resolve not only to continue to smell the roses but engage with them. I resolve to do my best to stay aware of possibilities. I resolve to get out of bed each morning and face whatever needs to be faced. I resolve to challenge myself to keep an open heart to love and sex and art in all its multifacetedness, and not limit myself by settling for what is reinforced or dictated by our society, the queer community and even our own subculture.
I resolve to be mindful.
I resolve to breathe in and in doing so I recommit myself to breathing out.
For this next year, I hereby resolve.
~~~~~~~~~~
While thinking this through, I was checking email and noticed that Mark Morford is back from his holiday break. He too speaks of resolutions. And, I was pleased to see that he communicates a similar path.
From his column for today (and I very rarely post his closing thoughts, but will):
"So then, as the new year races to engulf us all, perhaps this is what you can choose, this is what you resolve to understand: that the Great Battle continues. The great surge toward enlightenment and evolution must go on, will go on, can't not go on, as those of us who choose to see it understand that we are already reeking gleaming teeming brimful with all the divine juicy godhead we will ever need. It is merely waiting to be, quite literally, turned on.
It is, after all, all about subtle energy, shifts in awareness, the decision to move forward no matter what. It is all about focusing on micro to affect macro. This much you probably already know. In which case, this year you can simply resolve to, well, continue. To keep on, even when it all seems bleak and fraught and impossibly constricted. Because, sometimes, merely refusing to stop cultivating an unquenchable lust for beauty and truth and orgasmic life is the most profound and important thing you can resolve to do."
On my way to work I was thinking about resolutions. In the past, I've never really been one for New Year's resolutions but for some reason, I wanted to be conscious of that.
As I've said earlier this month, I have no idea where I'm going, what I'm doing and what's in store. Generalities yes, but I don't dare cement anything because it seems critical for me to go with the flow. Yeah, I know. Kinda woowoo. Truth sometimes is.
In this, I came up with my resolution.
~~~~~~~~~~
I resolve to keep on keepin' on. I resolve not only to continue to smell the roses but engage with them. I resolve to do my best to stay aware of possibilities. I resolve to get out of bed each morning and face whatever needs to be faced. I resolve to challenge myself to keep an open heart to love and sex and art in all its multifacetedness, and not limit myself by settling for what is reinforced or dictated by our society, the queer community and even our own subculture.
I resolve to be mindful.
I resolve to breathe in and in doing so I recommit myself to breathing out.
For this next year, I hereby resolve.
~~~~~~~~~~
While thinking this through, I was checking email and noticed that Mark Morford is back from his holiday break. He too speaks of resolutions. And, I was pleased to see that he communicates a similar path.
From his column for today (and I very rarely post his closing thoughts, but will):
"So then, as the new year races to engulf us all, perhaps this is what you can choose, this is what you resolve to understand: that the Great Battle continues. The great surge toward enlightenment and evolution must go on, will go on, can't not go on, as those of us who choose to see it understand that we are already reeking gleaming teeming brimful with all the divine juicy godhead we will ever need. It is merely waiting to be, quite literally, turned on.
It is, after all, all about subtle energy, shifts in awareness, the decision to move forward no matter what. It is all about focusing on micro to affect macro. This much you probably already know. In which case, this year you can simply resolve to, well, continue. To keep on, even when it all seems bleak and fraught and impossibly constricted. Because, sometimes, merely refusing to stop cultivating an unquenchable lust for beauty and truth and orgasmic life is the most profound and important thing you can resolve to do."
Clang, clang, clang went the trolley.
Oops..wrong sound.
It's been honk, honk, honk for the last half hour.
Some poor schmuck's car horn just went off and won't stop. It's not a car alarm but a long, never-ending honk.
The cops finally showed up, and hopefully they'll have a truck out here. The windshield of the car is filling up with notes from neighbors.
Gee...it's going to suck to be him.
And, I hope they get it to stop before bedtime.
Is it a weird night out there tonight...or is it just me?
Oops..wrong sound.
It's been honk, honk, honk for the last half hour.
Some poor schmuck's car horn just went off and won't stop. It's not a car alarm but a long, never-ending honk.
The cops finally showed up, and hopefully they'll have a truck out here. The windshield of the car is filling up with notes from neighbors.
Gee...it's going to suck to be him.
And, I hope they get it to stop before bedtime.
Is it a weird night out there tonight...or is it just me?
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Remember when I mentioned I found a new favorite artist?
I brought the book to work and had to show my coworkers. I had to show my friends. I had to show everyone I loved.
Each time, I'd say "see these paintings? This could have been me. That is, it could be me if I weren't so broken. Maybe someday."
What is happening is that I am finally glimpsing my potential. Right now, I still can't see potential in regards to the present or future. It's my moment to mourn the past.
With time...all in good time.
The one person I couldn't show the book to was my shrink. I wanted to, but couldn't bring myself to do it. The day I brought the book to work to show my coworkers was the same day I planned to show the shrink as well. The closer it came to my appointment, the greater the nervousness and anxiety.
Last Friday, a week after I picked up the book, I grabbed my guts and brought it into my session. It was in a bag. He saw the large bag and knew what it was. You see, I had told him earlier in the week that I didn't dare share it with him.
We spent part of the session with the book in the bag. Finally, I whispered, "I can't show you because if I do, you'll see my wishes."
He knows me in a way no one else in the world has ever known or seen me. If I showed him the paintings, he would see my deepest desires. The act of opening the book in front of him was more intimate AND sexual than anything else I'd ever done in my life. As we flipped through the pages together, it was as if he was looking up my cunt to peek into my belly. His fist in my ass, reaching deeper...touching my heart.
All he had to do was look at the cover.
"Wow" slipped from his lips. "I get it."
This artist, in my opinion, doesn't give a shit. She is painting from her bowels with no regard to marketability. In looking at the paintings, there is no hesitancy or question of "will they like me?" These are not paintings most people would feel comfortable hanging in their living or dining room. They are blatant and at the same time, compassionate.
This painter paints her intensity, her passion and her darkness. She is not afraid.
We flipped through the pages, going through the whole book.
I didn't expect to write about this today. But I have an appointment in 3 hours and it's the first one since we shared the book.
Look again.
This is living.
I brought the book to work and had to show my coworkers. I had to show my friends. I had to show everyone I loved.
Each time, I'd say "see these paintings? This could have been me. That is, it could be me if I weren't so broken. Maybe someday."
What is happening is that I am finally glimpsing my potential. Right now, I still can't see potential in regards to the present or future. It's my moment to mourn the past.
With time...all in good time.
The one person I couldn't show the book to was my shrink. I wanted to, but couldn't bring myself to do it. The day I brought the book to work to show my coworkers was the same day I planned to show the shrink as well. The closer it came to my appointment, the greater the nervousness and anxiety.
Last Friday, a week after I picked up the book, I grabbed my guts and brought it into my session. It was in a bag. He saw the large bag and knew what it was. You see, I had told him earlier in the week that I didn't dare share it with him.
We spent part of the session with the book in the bag. Finally, I whispered, "I can't show you because if I do, you'll see my wishes."
He knows me in a way no one else in the world has ever known or seen me. If I showed him the paintings, he would see my deepest desires. The act of opening the book in front of him was more intimate AND sexual than anything else I'd ever done in my life. As we flipped through the pages together, it was as if he was looking up my cunt to peek into my belly. His fist in my ass, reaching deeper...touching my heart.
All he had to do was look at the cover.
"Wow" slipped from his lips. "I get it."
This artist, in my opinion, doesn't give a shit. She is painting from her bowels with no regard to marketability. In looking at the paintings, there is no hesitancy or question of "will they like me?" These are not paintings most people would feel comfortable hanging in their living or dining room. They are blatant and at the same time, compassionate.
This painter paints her intensity, her passion and her darkness. She is not afraid.
We flipped through the pages, going through the whole book.
I didn't expect to write about this today. But I have an appointment in 3 hours and it's the first one since we shared the book.
Look again.
This is living.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Recent words have reminded me of something.
I never wanted a career. Not in the traditional sense.
All I desired were jobs.
Career comes with major responsibility. Career is more than 40 hours a week. Career means...heavy shit.
I tried my hand at a few potential careers. None were intentional. I'd begin as an hourly paid regular bottom of the ladder employee and within a year end up in positions that I hadn't even conceived of holding.
For me, each career actually began with the idea that it would only be a job. I'd be able to forget about the job when I left work so I could focus on my real life. Each time, I immersed (cuz that's what I do) and became successful. Each time, I'd make a name for myself. Then I'd feel my blood being sucked out of me because no matter how much I enjoyed each, as diverse as they were, from photo lab manager to retail and warehouse management, to even what I do now...only fed a part of me. The responsibility of the positions meant that there wasn't any energy left for what I love to do.
The photo lab and warehouse management each lasted 8 years. I left the photofinishing industry to finally return to school and finish my BFA. The warehouse/retail gig, I quit because, in one month, I had an upcoming one person show that had been booked the year previous and yet I hadn't done any painting! When the show was first scheduled, I stepped down from management hoping to have the oomph to paint. It didn't happen.
The reason I lasted so long in each position is because they were very creative in their own right. But it's left brain creativity. I do need that. It juices me. And yet, I need my right brain fed as well.
I believe now the other reason I stayed is because of the ego-stroking and the lack of risk. I knew I could succeed. It was easy. I'd become a commodity. What I put my mind to, I could do. Well, as long as it's left-brained stuff. No chances. No dark side. It was a task. Each a puzzle. I like puzzles. They aren't messy. 1 plus 1 has to make two in all those positions.
The other side of me loves the greys, needs the greys. The lack of delving into the messy sludge would be part of my growing disatisfaction.
I never craved a career because down deep I always felt that painting was my career. My first priority.
The next few years will be interesting.
I never wanted a career. Not in the traditional sense.
All I desired were jobs.
Career comes with major responsibility. Career is more than 40 hours a week. Career means...heavy shit.
I tried my hand at a few potential careers. None were intentional. I'd begin as an hourly paid regular bottom of the ladder employee and within a year end up in positions that I hadn't even conceived of holding.
For me, each career actually began with the idea that it would only be a job. I'd be able to forget about the job when I left work so I could focus on my real life. Each time, I immersed (cuz that's what I do) and became successful. Each time, I'd make a name for myself. Then I'd feel my blood being sucked out of me because no matter how much I enjoyed each, as diverse as they were, from photo lab manager to retail and warehouse management, to even what I do now...only fed a part of me. The responsibility of the positions meant that there wasn't any energy left for what I love to do.
The photo lab and warehouse management each lasted 8 years. I left the photofinishing industry to finally return to school and finish my BFA. The warehouse/retail gig, I quit because, in one month, I had an upcoming one person show that had been booked the year previous and yet I hadn't done any painting! When the show was first scheduled, I stepped down from management hoping to have the oomph to paint. It didn't happen.
The reason I lasted so long in each position is because they were very creative in their own right. But it's left brain creativity. I do need that. It juices me. And yet, I need my right brain fed as well.
I believe now the other reason I stayed is because of the ego-stroking and the lack of risk. I knew I could succeed. It was easy. I'd become a commodity. What I put my mind to, I could do. Well, as long as it's left-brained stuff. No chances. No dark side. It was a task. Each a puzzle. I like puzzles. They aren't messy. 1 plus 1 has to make two in all those positions.
The other side of me loves the greys, needs the greys. The lack of delving into the messy sludge would be part of my growing disatisfaction.
I never craved a career because down deep I always felt that painting was my career. My first priority.
The next few years will be interesting.
Because it's all about me, here's my Capricorn 'scope from Rob Brezsny's Freewill Astrology:
"Germany and the Soviet Union failed to sign a peace treaty after the global hostilities of the mid-20th century. Technically, then, World War II never officially ended. This lack of closure doesn't seem to have had any lingering repercussions, though, so I won't worry about it. On the other hand, there are unresolved situations from your past that are still causing you problems. In my astrological opinion, 2006 is an ideal time to finally wrap up all the unfinished business that has been subtly draining you. It's a perfect opportunity for the ultimate karmic cleansing, preferably carried out with grace, gratitude, and generosity."
In a way, it doesn't surprise me. With all the work I've been doing in therapy...it's time.
Now to do it with grace, gratitude and generosity...hmmmm.
Can I buy that at my local grocer?
Check here for your horoscope.
:-)
"Germany and the Soviet Union failed to sign a peace treaty after the global hostilities of the mid-20th century. Technically, then, World War II never officially ended. This lack of closure doesn't seem to have had any lingering repercussions, though, so I won't worry about it. On the other hand, there are unresolved situations from your past that are still causing you problems. In my astrological opinion, 2006 is an ideal time to finally wrap up all the unfinished business that has been subtly draining you. It's a perfect opportunity for the ultimate karmic cleansing, preferably carried out with grace, gratitude, and generosity."
In a way, it doesn't surprise me. With all the work I've been doing in therapy...it's time.
Now to do it with grace, gratitude and generosity...hmmmm.
Can I buy that at my local grocer?
Check here for your horoscope.
:-)
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Yeah!
Jimmy, my coworker, sent me an email over the weekend saying that his new CD, Last Chance, was completely finished, as in, back from the press. He was picking them up on Saturday. He then wrote that the first cd out of the box had my name on it. :-)
I walked into work this morning, and there it was. The inscription on the cover:
Gaggie,
thanks for holding my heart through this.
xo Jimmy
Yeah...
As he wrote on the tail end of his bio:
My new songs are about love, for better and worse. I don't really believe in last chances where love is concerned. But in 2005 love took me for one hell of a ride. In the process I learned what it means to be 'in love'. These songs are expressions of my experience with the joy, pain, success, and deep regret that come with the beast. I know that when I open my heart again I will see love through the eyes of a changed man. With luck it will be the last first day of the rest of my life. I hope you enjoy my new cd. "Last Chance"."
Jimmy, my coworker, sent me an email over the weekend saying that his new CD, Last Chance, was completely finished, as in, back from the press. He was picking them up on Saturday. He then wrote that the first cd out of the box had my name on it. :-)
I walked into work this morning, and there it was. The inscription on the cover:
Gaggie,
thanks for holding my heart through this.
xo Jimmy
Yeah...
As he wrote on the tail end of his bio:
My new songs are about love, for better and worse. I don't really believe in last chances where love is concerned. But in 2005 love took me for one hell of a ride. In the process I learned what it means to be 'in love'. These songs are expressions of my experience with the joy, pain, success, and deep regret that come with the beast. I know that when I open my heart again I will see love through the eyes of a changed man. With luck it will be the last first day of the rest of my life. I hope you enjoy my new cd. "Last Chance"."
Monday, December 26, 2005
So, did you have a good weekend?
Mine was very busy and fun. Good friends, good food, good laughs, and Auntie Mame with Rosalind Russell. What more do you need?
Today I'm hitting the matinee show of Brokeback Mountain.
Oh....someone in another apartment is cooking something REALLY good. This thick amazing scent just wafted in. It smells like pot roast.
Anyway...
...I haven't been writing about my internal stuff the way I previously have. You see, I'm keeping everything really close to the chest right now. Normally, I'll take in and dump, take more in and dump. But in the last month or so, and especially the last few weeks, I'm being very protective. It's all good. It's all magic. It's all very, very difficult. It's a whole new fucking world. And right now, it's still all mine. So no sharing.
The relationship with my shrink has evolved into something different. It too is good, allows for greater intimacy, and no, I'm not sharing that either. In a way, I feel that I'd contaminate the process if I opened up right now. I'm sure in time I'll speak of one thing or another. And I hope that when the time is right I'll somehow be able to articulate the changes I'm involved in. The shrink has no doubt that I'll be able to put it into words but I see it as too large to describe. It's huge belly, heart stuff.
I haven't written about painting or art because that too is in transition. Honestly, it's too painful to write about. It takes everything I have to even speak of it in my sessions. So that's what I'm saving my courage and energy for.
Just know that, I would be very surprised if I don't get back into painting. If or when it happens...there will be a different person standing in front of the easel. Actually, I suppose it will be the same person with a greater sense of daring.
Guess I'm in an incubation period of sorts. And I think I'm nearing the end of that because I can even write this much.
So...have a good day everyone.
Mine was very busy and fun. Good friends, good food, good laughs, and Auntie Mame with Rosalind Russell. What more do you need?
Today I'm hitting the matinee show of Brokeback Mountain.
Oh....someone in another apartment is cooking something REALLY good. This thick amazing scent just wafted in. It smells like pot roast.
Anyway...
...I haven't been writing about my internal stuff the way I previously have. You see, I'm keeping everything really close to the chest right now. Normally, I'll take in and dump, take more in and dump. But in the last month or so, and especially the last few weeks, I'm being very protective. It's all good. It's all magic. It's all very, very difficult. It's a whole new fucking world. And right now, it's still all mine. So no sharing.
The relationship with my shrink has evolved into something different. It too is good, allows for greater intimacy, and no, I'm not sharing that either. In a way, I feel that I'd contaminate the process if I opened up right now. I'm sure in time I'll speak of one thing or another. And I hope that when the time is right I'll somehow be able to articulate the changes I'm involved in. The shrink has no doubt that I'll be able to put it into words but I see it as too large to describe. It's huge belly, heart stuff.
I haven't written about painting or art because that too is in transition. Honestly, it's too painful to write about. It takes everything I have to even speak of it in my sessions. So that's what I'm saving my courage and energy for.
Just know that, I would be very surprised if I don't get back into painting. If or when it happens...there will be a different person standing in front of the easel. Actually, I suppose it will be the same person with a greater sense of daring.
Guess I'm in an incubation period of sorts. And I think I'm nearing the end of that because I can even write this much.
So...have a good day everyone.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Why is it that everytime I hear Collective Soul's December, it makes me happy?
From the very first time I heard the first few guitar notes, about 10 years ago, I'd absolutely, incredibly fallen in love with that piece. To this very moment, as it played on the radio...it hits me, fills me and I don't know what else. Tough to explain. Even to myself.
Huh.
I never really paid attention to the lyrics because I was always so captivated with the music.
That alone filled me.
As I was writing this, I decided to find the lyrics to actually see what the song is about.
Why drink the water from my hand?
Contagious as you think I am
Just tilt my sun towards your domain
Your cup runneth over again
Don't scream about, don't think aloud
Turn your head now, baby, just spit me out
Don't worry about, don't speak of doubt
Turn your head now, baby, just spit me out
Why follow me to higher ground?
Lost as you swear I am
Don't throw away your basic needs
Ambiance and vanity
December promise you gave unto me
December whispers of treachery
December clouds are now covering me
December songs no longer I sing
From the very first time I heard the first few guitar notes, about 10 years ago, I'd absolutely, incredibly fallen in love with that piece. To this very moment, as it played on the radio...it hits me, fills me and I don't know what else. Tough to explain. Even to myself.
Huh.
I never really paid attention to the lyrics because I was always so captivated with the music.
That alone filled me.
As I was writing this, I decided to find the lyrics to actually see what the song is about.
Why drink the water from my hand?
Contagious as you think I am
Just tilt my sun towards your domain
Your cup runneth over again
Don't scream about, don't think aloud
Turn your head now, baby, just spit me out
Don't worry about, don't speak of doubt
Turn your head now, baby, just spit me out
Why follow me to higher ground?
Lost as you swear I am
Don't throw away your basic needs
Ambiance and vanity
December promise you gave unto me
December whispers of treachery
December clouds are now covering me
December songs no longer I sing
Close call with a happy ending.
What if you had almost completed your master's thesis, failed to make a back up, and discovered it stolen? Here's a true story of how it happened, and how the student actually recovered her thesis by thinking like a thief.
It's a great story.
What if you had almost completed your master's thesis, failed to make a back up, and discovered it stolen? Here's a true story of how it happened, and how the student actually recovered her thesis by thinking like a thief.
It's a great story.
There is one thing I look forward to in this season. It's all about the lights. Colored lights, candles in windows (although Seattle doesn't do the candle in the window thing the way New England does it - I miss those!), classy decor, tacky decorations, and very large inflatable snow globes, such as the one currently on the roof of the Elite, a gay bar at the end of Broadway. It even has the appearance of snow moving inside it. Pretty cool.
The lights. It is all about the lights for me.
It's all good.
Here is this year's ugly lights, although I wouldn't say ugly. That's what the website is called. I call it fun.
The lights. It is all about the lights for me.
It's all good.
Here is this year's ugly lights, although I wouldn't say ugly. That's what the website is called. I call it fun.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Thanks to Isitandlookout for this link.
It's so bad it's good.
Introducing, Jesus, The Musical. It came from Yossie (of handcuff fame).
When Aubrey Sparks was doing his internet radio show, Aubrey's Playroom, he did an interview with Yossie Silverman. If interested, you can go to the first season archives, right here and scroll down to the 2/26/2000 show to play the interview. It played on Real Player from my computer.
It's so bad it's good.
Introducing, Jesus, The Musical. It came from Yossie (of handcuff fame).
When Aubrey Sparks was doing his internet radio show, Aubrey's Playroom, he did an interview with Yossie Silverman. If interested, you can go to the first season archives, right here and scroll down to the 2/26/2000 show to play the interview. It played on Real Player from my computer.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Thanks Draignoeth for highlighting this.
It's a good piece.
-----------------------------------------------
An Open Letter from Gay Italian Priests*
Translated into English by William Hood
The recent Instruction from the Congregation for Catholic Education concerning the
criteria of vocational discernment for persons with homosexual tendencies urges us to
present some reflections relevant to that document. We address ourselves to our brothers in the priesthood, to bishops and religious superiors, to men and women living under vows, to men and women in society.
We are Catholic priests, secular and religious, with homosexual tendencies, and that fact has not kept us from being good priests. Some of us have spent our lives as missionaries, others as parish priests and pastors loved and admired by their people, still others live out their priesthood teaching with dedication and professionalism.
Our homosexual tendency, as the document would have one believe, has not been an
impediment to leading a life in the sacred ministry that is animated by the gift of one's whole self to the Church and by authentic pastoral charity (1). Our homosexuality does not put us in a situation that gravely impairs appropriate relationships with men and women, as the document states in the second paragraph: as men and priests we feel wounded by this absolutely gratuitous assertion. We have no more serious problems than heterosexuals do in living a chaste life, because homosexuality is not synonymous with promiscuity nor with uncontrollable instincts: we are not sexually "sick" and our homosexual tendency has not damaged either our psychological health (2) or our moral and human gifts (3).
The document requires, as determining the candidate's suitability, that transitory
homosexual tendencies be brought to light and overcome three years before ordination to the diaconate. Now for the majority of us priests the years in seminary were a time of sexual serenity. In fact, meeting together on various occasions for retreats or spiritual conferences, we have noticed that the disturbances, for heterosexuals and well as for homosexuals, have come afterwards, caused not by sexual orientation but by loneliness, the lack of friendship, the sense of being little loved and, sometimes, even abandoned by our own superiors, colleagues, and communities. What is more, and speaking to our particular situation, some of us have recognized our homosexuality only after ordination.
One has the sense that this document was born as a reaction to the cases of recently
uncovered pedophilia, mostly in the American and Brazilian churches: but homosexual
orientation is not absolutely synonymous with pedophilia.
One also has another impression: that people believe homosexuals are necessarily part of a gay culture that is exhibitionistic, outrageous, lawless, promoting a philosophy of life that often appears to many eyes as contrary to any moral law, in which everything is permissible. Certain manifestations of the gay world are born as reactions to the years of seclusion and persecution in which the homosexual world has been imprisoned, but the whole gay world does not share such characteristics. In any case, not one of us behaves outrageously or embraces a permissive hedonism in which no moral law exists.
The document would make it seem that the greatest problem for being a good priest is
sexual orientation, and the necessity to overcome a certain lifestyle that, in addition to being unacceptable sexually, creates other scandals among the faithful: we refer to luxury, to the love of money, to hegemonies of power, to isolation from the problems of ordinary people. On the contrary, we consider our homosexualty as richness, because it helps us share the emargination and suffering of many people: to paraphrase Saint Paul, we can be everything to everyone, weak with the weak, emarginated with the emarginated.
Experience shows that our homosexual condition, lived in the light of the Gospel and
under the action of the Spirit, puts us in a condition to sustain and support our
homosexual brothers and sisters in their journey of faith, making real that pastoral care that the Church acknowledges as necessary and desirable.
The very Church that has received the ministry of reconciliation (4) needs to reconcile itself with homosexuality, which is a reality for many faithful people, sons and daughters of God: men and women of good will who have the right to find a haven for their souls in the Church.
Obviously, like all upright people, we cannot deny our fragility, which is a condition of human nature: we carry the gift of God in earthen vessels (5), but our situation is not an obstacle to being priests according to the heart of God.
Now, after the publication of this document, we experience great pain and discomfort, as though our vocation had not been authentic. We feel ourselves abandoned sons and
unloved by that Church to which we have promised and given our fidelity and love. We
feel ourselves to be "little brothers" in a priesthood that we seem to have entered almost by subterfuge.
(1) Cfr. Presbyterorum Ordinis, n. 14
(2) Cfr. C.I.C., can 1051
(3) Cfr. Pastores dabo vobis, n. 35
(4) Cfr. 2 Corinthians 5,18
(5) Cfr. 2 Corinthians 4,7
* The original version of this letter was published on December 18, 2005 on the Italian Catholic website Adista (www.adistaonline.it).
It's a good piece.
-----------------------------------------------
An Open Letter from Gay Italian Priests*
Translated into English by William Hood
The recent Instruction from the Congregation for Catholic Education concerning the
criteria of vocational discernment for persons with homosexual tendencies urges us to
present some reflections relevant to that document. We address ourselves to our brothers in the priesthood, to bishops and religious superiors, to men and women living under vows, to men and women in society.
We are Catholic priests, secular and religious, with homosexual tendencies, and that fact has not kept us from being good priests. Some of us have spent our lives as missionaries, others as parish priests and pastors loved and admired by their people, still others live out their priesthood teaching with dedication and professionalism.
Our homosexual tendency, as the document would have one believe, has not been an
impediment to leading a life in the sacred ministry that is animated by the gift of one's whole self to the Church and by authentic pastoral charity (1). Our homosexuality does not put us in a situation that gravely impairs appropriate relationships with men and women, as the document states in the second paragraph: as men and priests we feel wounded by this absolutely gratuitous assertion. We have no more serious problems than heterosexuals do in living a chaste life, because homosexuality is not synonymous with promiscuity nor with uncontrollable instincts: we are not sexually "sick" and our homosexual tendency has not damaged either our psychological health (2) or our moral and human gifts (3).
The document requires, as determining the candidate's suitability, that transitory
homosexual tendencies be brought to light and overcome three years before ordination to the diaconate. Now for the majority of us priests the years in seminary were a time of sexual serenity. In fact, meeting together on various occasions for retreats or spiritual conferences, we have noticed that the disturbances, for heterosexuals and well as for homosexuals, have come afterwards, caused not by sexual orientation but by loneliness, the lack of friendship, the sense of being little loved and, sometimes, even abandoned by our own superiors, colleagues, and communities. What is more, and speaking to our particular situation, some of us have recognized our homosexuality only after ordination.
One has the sense that this document was born as a reaction to the cases of recently
uncovered pedophilia, mostly in the American and Brazilian churches: but homosexual
orientation is not absolutely synonymous with pedophilia.
One also has another impression: that people believe homosexuals are necessarily part of a gay culture that is exhibitionistic, outrageous, lawless, promoting a philosophy of life that often appears to many eyes as contrary to any moral law, in which everything is permissible. Certain manifestations of the gay world are born as reactions to the years of seclusion and persecution in which the homosexual world has been imprisoned, but the whole gay world does not share such characteristics. In any case, not one of us behaves outrageously or embraces a permissive hedonism in which no moral law exists.
The document would make it seem that the greatest problem for being a good priest is
sexual orientation, and the necessity to overcome a certain lifestyle that, in addition to being unacceptable sexually, creates other scandals among the faithful: we refer to luxury, to the love of money, to hegemonies of power, to isolation from the problems of ordinary people. On the contrary, we consider our homosexualty as richness, because it helps us share the emargination and suffering of many people: to paraphrase Saint Paul, we can be everything to everyone, weak with the weak, emarginated with the emarginated.
Experience shows that our homosexual condition, lived in the light of the Gospel and
under the action of the Spirit, puts us in a condition to sustain and support our
homosexual brothers and sisters in their journey of faith, making real that pastoral care that the Church acknowledges as necessary and desirable.
The very Church that has received the ministry of reconciliation (4) needs to reconcile itself with homosexuality, which is a reality for many faithful people, sons and daughters of God: men and women of good will who have the right to find a haven for their souls in the Church.
Obviously, like all upright people, we cannot deny our fragility, which is a condition of human nature: we carry the gift of God in earthen vessels (5), but our situation is not an obstacle to being priests according to the heart of God.
Now, after the publication of this document, we experience great pain and discomfort, as though our vocation had not been authentic. We feel ourselves abandoned sons and
unloved by that Church to which we have promised and given our fidelity and love. We
feel ourselves to be "little brothers" in a priesthood that we seem to have entered almost by subterfuge.
(1) Cfr. Presbyterorum Ordinis, n. 14
(2) Cfr. C.I.C., can 1051
(3) Cfr. Pastores dabo vobis, n. 35
(4) Cfr. 2 Corinthians 5,18
(5) Cfr. 2 Corinthians 4,7
* The original version of this letter was published on December 18, 2005 on the Italian Catholic website Adista (www.adistaonline.it).
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
I'm moving slow today.
Half of our coworkers are out of the office this week, the others next week. And hopefully, I'll have the first week of January off. Because I process the gifts, I need to be here for the last few weeks of the calendar year.
Today, I managed to clean off my desk which included sorting through a nasty pile that had accumulated unfinished projects. The motivation for the cleaning was a card I received yesterday. I wanted a nice place to put it and the piles on my desk weren't going to cut it.
It is a holiday card...from the Museum of Modern Art. Gorgeous.
It's also probably the best holiday gift I've ever received in my life.
The card is from an intern we had over the summer.
Inside, he wrote:
Thank you for being honest with me & showing me your true self - fetishes, visits to the therapist, and all. You helped me be more comfortable with myself.
Wow.
Yeah.
Even though I'm struggling something fierce and know I have to get to a place where outside validation does not matter...his words couldn’t have come at a better time.
Half of our coworkers are out of the office this week, the others next week. And hopefully, I'll have the first week of January off. Because I process the gifts, I need to be here for the last few weeks of the calendar year.
Today, I managed to clean off my desk which included sorting through a nasty pile that had accumulated unfinished projects. The motivation for the cleaning was a card I received yesterday. I wanted a nice place to put it and the piles on my desk weren't going to cut it.
It is a holiday card...from the Museum of Modern Art. Gorgeous.
It's also probably the best holiday gift I've ever received in my life.
The card is from an intern we had over the summer.
Inside, he wrote:
Thank you for being honest with me & showing me your true self - fetishes, visits to the therapist, and all. You helped me be more comfortable with myself.
Wow.
Yeah.
Even though I'm struggling something fierce and know I have to get to a place where outside validation does not matter...his words couldn’t have come at a better time.
Yesterday's news but getting to it now.
There is justice.
Federal Judge Rules, in Strongly Worded Opinion, That Teaching Intelligent Design Is Unconstitutional
From the Chronicle of Higher Education article:
"In a broad and withering opinion, a federal judge ruled today that intelligent design was nothing more than creationism in disguise and therefore that it was unconstitutional to teach it in a public-school science classroom."
Here is the link to the full text of the decision.
There is justice.
Federal Judge Rules, in Strongly Worded Opinion, That Teaching Intelligent Design Is Unconstitutional
From the Chronicle of Higher Education article:
"In a broad and withering opinion, a federal judge ruled today that intelligent design was nothing more than creationism in disguise and therefore that it was unconstitutional to teach it in a public-school science classroom."
Here is the link to the full text of the decision.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Brokeback bickering.
Give me a break.
Brokeback Mountain...
...and the bigger picture.
The controversy by queers surrounding this film has been interesting. I've yet nor have a desire to read (and I'm sure there's plenty) the clamor from anti-gay folks because well, we know why they hate us.
I haven't had a chance to see the movie. After standing in line at an advanced screening for quite while, we failed to make it in. I'll get there. I plan on it. The dollar speaks. I believe it's important to boycott and more important to support.
Most of the noise that I've read around this movie seems to be coming from those of us who live in areas where we don't have to struggle daily with being queer. We take a lot more for granted. In that case, it's easier to complain about another tragic gay love story, or not enough hot scenes, or why wasn't it written by a gay man or...or...or...
The way I see it is, I'm just thrilled when movies with even a small gay plot gets this mainstream. It may or may not be my ideal movie. I know we all have ideas on how we believe it could be improved. That's always the way, isn't it?
Anytime there is one step forward, be it small or large, there is a chorus of us ready to cry out that "this is wrong...not enough was done...too much happened...it went in the wrong direction." We really know how to do the in fighting, don't we? That is the one thing we have in common. No wonder the extreme right has become as entrenched as it has. They can stand together and rally around their one cause of "being better and holier than the rest of us", whereas we bicker over every single little motion.
I remember the uproar when gay marriage was pushed to the front. Whether or not I agree with the idea of marriage is irrelevant. It's more important, critical actually, for me to stand behind those who are fighting for even SOME aspect of our equality.
I don't understand why we just can't celebrate the fact that it's a step forward. There are many in this country who won't have access to the movie. It's not being released in all areas. There are many who are still getting kicked out of their homes, and beaten up in school, and abused and shamed and hated because their heart loves differently.
We need to remember that even though we all have individual ideas and beliefs, we are in a war and we need, we MUST join together. I believe it's the most important culture war our country has seen. It's not enough that we are fighting to have the same rights and protections as monogamous, vanilla, white, rich heterosexual men, but a greater war is now being fought over the Bill of Rights and our basic freedoms.
I can actually see we are so busy fighting over details that we wake up one day with nothing. Absolutely nothing. Distraction is a powerful tool.
Give me a break.
Brokeback Mountain...
...and the bigger picture.
The controversy by queers surrounding this film has been interesting. I've yet nor have a desire to read (and I'm sure there's plenty) the clamor from anti-gay folks because well, we know why they hate us.
I haven't had a chance to see the movie. After standing in line at an advanced screening for quite while, we failed to make it in. I'll get there. I plan on it. The dollar speaks. I believe it's important to boycott and more important to support.
Most of the noise that I've read around this movie seems to be coming from those of us who live in areas where we don't have to struggle daily with being queer. We take a lot more for granted. In that case, it's easier to complain about another tragic gay love story, or not enough hot scenes, or why wasn't it written by a gay man or...or...or...
The way I see it is, I'm just thrilled when movies with even a small gay plot gets this mainstream. It may or may not be my ideal movie. I know we all have ideas on how we believe it could be improved. That's always the way, isn't it?
Anytime there is one step forward, be it small or large, there is a chorus of us ready to cry out that "this is wrong...not enough was done...too much happened...it went in the wrong direction." We really know how to do the in fighting, don't we? That is the one thing we have in common. No wonder the extreme right has become as entrenched as it has. They can stand together and rally around their one cause of "being better and holier than the rest of us", whereas we bicker over every single little motion.
I remember the uproar when gay marriage was pushed to the front. Whether or not I agree with the idea of marriage is irrelevant. It's more important, critical actually, for me to stand behind those who are fighting for even SOME aspect of our equality.
I don't understand why we just can't celebrate the fact that it's a step forward. There are many in this country who won't have access to the movie. It's not being released in all areas. There are many who are still getting kicked out of their homes, and beaten up in school, and abused and shamed and hated because their heart loves differently.
We need to remember that even though we all have individual ideas and beliefs, we are in a war and we need, we MUST join together. I believe it's the most important culture war our country has seen. It's not enough that we are fighting to have the same rights and protections as monogamous, vanilla, white, rich heterosexual men, but a greater war is now being fought over the Bill of Rights and our basic freedoms.
I can actually see we are so busy fighting over details that we wake up one day with nothing. Absolutely nothing. Distraction is a powerful tool.
Today's the day for showcasing the ugly. Sometimes, I need to keep away from the news and the papers. It's all too much. But I can't stay away permanently. It's important for me to be aware, at least on some level.
Americablog is hot and heavy right now, with Bush's wiretap scandal. They've published a letter from Senator Barbara Boxer is looking into the idea that Bush may have committed an impeachable offense.
A brilliant piece by John called The 2nd Amendment Has Been Repealed puts the shoe on the other foot.
Americablog is hot and heavy right now, with Bush's wiretap scandal. They've published a letter from Senator Barbara Boxer is looking into the idea that Bush may have committed an impeachable offense.
A brilliant piece by John called The 2nd Amendment Has Been Repealed puts the shoe on the other foot.
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