Happy New Years Eve!

Yes, this is my year end post.
I'm sitting at the bar at Hot Dish keeping Daniel and Craig company before I head off to a party.



I've joined the techno-geek generation. A year ago, I wouldn't have dreamt that I would do what I did this afternoon. I walked into Hot Dish talking on a cellphone, turned on my laptop to access their wifi, shot and downloaded a couple photos...and am now blogging it. I think the only thing missing is a PDA.


2006 recap.

It's been a very difficult year as well as a most amazing year.
Here are the highlights I can remember at this time.

January:
Had the most fucking great birthday party ever.
It was also the best play party I ever attended.
Some of the guests agreed.

February:
Took my first sabbatical ever.
Realized I could no longer paint.
It's the first time I had vacation and couldn't paint.
Paralyzed.
Spent the whole fucking time in therapy.

March:
Still couldn't do art although still on sabbatical.
More therapy.

April:
Went to NYC to attend my first Leather Leadership Conference.
Presented at my first conference ever. (LLC).
Expanded my family by adding an NYC posse.
Had my first experience crying in a gallery because the paintings I was viewing felt like home.

May:
Still no painting.

June:
In a group gallery show.
Continued stretch with no art.

July:
Finally began to do art and in a very different way.
No longer little Miss Mary Sunshine painter.

August:
Finally joined the cell phone population.

September:
First dinner party held in my honor. In NYC.
Bought my first digital camera. Love it!
A new, intense connection began.

October:
Painting and continued connection.

November:
Painting and continued connection.

December:
Another trip to NYC.
Powerful art museum experiences.
A surprising and intimate conversation with my mother.
Much healing on many fronts.
Notice that old long time anger is dissipating.
Painting and continued connection.
Discovery of a big, scary challenge that I need to deal with in February 2007.

And as of today, I can honestly say that I no longer have a clue as to what I'm doing when I paint.





But...

...I am painting.

And more importantly, expanding.

Opening is a scary proposition. For me, anyway.

I've watched myself unfold, more and more. Each step, more naked than the last. Slowly allowing old patterns to disintegrate while discovering newer, healthier ways of being.

Yesterday morning I woke and clearly saw there was no ground under my feet. I had taken so many risks this week and felt stripped. The reality of how vulnerable I've let myself become hit me. I didn't know what to do with it. Still don't.

How does one remain vulnerable and open while protecting themselves at the same time? Maybe you can't do both.

Yesterday, I found myself in a purging mood. I was going to clean everything out of my life. And that included my art. The scared feelings left me bereft and so wondered if by destroying all I've done thus far would help cleanse.

Instead, I made sure to breathe.

In the afternoon, I approached my work space. I hadn't worked since Monday. Just the act of tearing paper began to ground me. I worked for a few hours...and then went back later in the evening and worked some more.

I'm still feeling raw, unsure and scared...but beginning to get my feet under me again.

Later in the day I saw a photograph taken by a friend that moved me. Tremendously. The image speaks to what I've been going through.

Speaking of photos, today's image was taken Friday afternoon, at Cafe Septieme. It's the skylight in the back of the restaurant.

This morning I woke, not trusting my instincts.
Filled with confusion and self doubt.

And sadness.

Bondage -
So many kinds of bondage.

~Restraints while fucking.
~Predicament bondage.
~Verbal restraints.
~Chastity.
~Mummification.
~Objectification.
~Confinement.
~Restraints to keep the bottom still while they are getting beat on...and in my case, it prevents me from hurting the Top ;-)

Cages. Sleepsacks. Hoods. Chains. Rope. Arms. Voice. A command.

Each has its place and each has a different play energy. Sometimes, the same tool can provide a different type of play.

I love bondage. All types. And in many contexts. Some push my buttons more than others.
At times, I'll become enraged, or relaxed, or ready to fuck, or...or...or...

Another gift.
The way I'm no longer afraid to serve because of the healing around my love of service, a certain type of bondage has returned to me.

I love bondage. Yet in the last 4 years or so, I've watched myself struggle against it. Yes, it feels good being locked, tied, chained, controlled and at the same time a part of me would fight. My demons would rise and steal some of the joy by planting old thoughts. Thoughts of want.

In a recent experience, as I shared with someone, withholding evolved into holding. The comfort of being controlled returned.
My angry, hurt little kid wasn't angry with the deprivation. Instead, I felt cherished. The ache was luscious and rich.

I am in awe that another sacred space can again be accessed.
Tapped into with strength, lust, pain and joy.

In that space, the energy shared between both is magical.

Powerful moment.

Every time I think I've reached the pinnacle of horniness, at some point, I discover a new level. And this is coming from the lusty one who spends much time in the state of horny.

I think back upon the past year and am aghast and agog at all that has transpired and is still unfolding. Mystery abounds.

Some is so amazing and beyond anything I could have dreamt. It encompasses my art, my sex, my SM, my heart. It touches the blackest places in my soul and as I continue to open, the light is a salve to the wounds.

A couple things, although incredibly difficult and scary, are good because of what I'm learning. I am finally getting a clue on the difference between interdependence and codependence. And that's a new lesson, just from the last week.

I'm learning to risk and trust...not only in the greater universe and myself but in others. When faced with crisis, I now see that if I grab my guts and seek emotional or physical support, the support provided gives me greater strength to do what I need to. There is something terrifying and at the same time liberating when, in the dark times, I reach out and cry "I need you."

My shrink was right. We aren't meant to go it alone.

In togetherness, we all heal.


Here is this week's Freewill Astrology.

I don't have anything to write yet but I'll leave you with some holiday images~

These were killer shortbread cookies flavored with lavender or cardamon. Both amazing.

Just returned from a wonderful time with friends. Great food, great company, slow and easy. We ate, drank and even watched 3 skits with the Sweeney Sisters from SNL. I also took a ton of photos and hopefully will put some up tomorrow.

How was your day?

I saw this house early this morning when I was out getting coffee and knew I had to return with my camera. The house was decorated beautifully but what really captured my attention were the chinese lanterns in the tree. It gave me some serious warm fuzzies.

This afternoon I caught Miracle On 34th Street on tv. Not the original, which I love, but it was the one from a few years back.

In the middle of the movie, I starting crying like a baby. I had always loved Christmas. And today, amidst the tears, I knew I had closed myself up from the holiday.

The last time I celebrated this season was 1998. The following year, the whole idea left a bad taste in my mouth. I blogged, well ranted really, about it a couple years ago. I spoke with my family and opted out of everything. Not being religious, it meant nothing. Hating the whole shopping, commercial, have to buy something for everyone trip was highly distasteful. When something moves me, I'll get it. I don't need to be coerced or guilted into it. And, I carried a massive amount of rage for this time of year.

About 2 years ago, I felt the anger begin to dissipate. And I began to miss the celebration. But I hadn't jumped back in because I'd no idea what it would look like. This month I thought of my little tree often. I still have my box of ornaments collected over many years. Each picked special with a person in mind. I wondered if I'd ever bring it out again. The thought is a little painful because I am such a different person than the one who trimmed her tree in '98. I barely recognize myself and so these ornaments, once cherished, hold memories of someone who was closed up, filled with unacknowledged anger, afraid to deal with the dark and see what lay hidden in the corners. It was of a person pretending to enjoy life...always happy...to keep the demons at bay and to make myself fit with the world.

This past year has been a huge, massive, exhausting year of healing. Many things I once was angry about no longer trouble me in a fiery way. Now, it's either replaced with slight sadness or not much of anything. That feels good. There are a few things that still push my buttons big time and I will rage. They go back to the oldest wound...invisibility. I'm still working on the hurt. The desire to rant isn't as great as once was.

There will be things to get angry about such as injustice, sexism, discrimination, misogyny, homophobia etc. But I'm speaking of healing my anger that covers deeper pain.

Even though I had given the holiday a multi-year sabbatical, I always enjoy the lights. Tacky or tasteful, it doesn't matter. It always bring a little kid smile to my face and joy to my heart.

They say that this is the time of magic and miracles, peace on earth, joy and giving. Yet I see every day as having the possibility to be such. So I'm still confused. But I'll let myself be confused knowing it will sort itself out. It'll be interesting to see how I embrace this time in years to come.

In the meantime, Happy Holidays everyone.

The sky is slowly lightening and I've been watching a gorgeous sunrise come up over the rooftops.
Right now it's a calm day. Filled with possibility. The past week is settling in and I'm becoming more comfortable with what needs to be done.

Other than doing a load of laundry I must get to the art store. Time to replenish the paper stock. I worked yesterday afternoon and again last night. In the second working phase, I was tearing the sheets into small 4x6 pieces so I'd have more to work with. Hopefully the store won't be too crazed. Its saving grace is that it's not in a mall.

Just returned from the Motherwell show. I worked for an hour or so, in a frenzy, and as I was wrapping up, a phone call. Today's plans got all turned around. Cleaned up...washed brushes and sat a bit. Then, looking at the time, I hopped in the car to get to the exhibit. It's the last day. There was a sign on the door of the gallery. They were closing early but the door was still unlocked. So I slipped in and spent a little bit of time with the work. Wanted to stay longer but I knew they needed to close.

I was overwhelmed by a few of the pieces.

I have so much to learn.

Here is a small sampling of my work for today.






As I said...lots to learn.

Big developments this week and I have no idea how to write about it. This quandry makes it difficult to even do regular blogging. I spend my time traveling between calm and terrified...being okay to then without warning switch to feeling incredibly alone.

Last night, I attended a Hanukkah dinner. In previous years, it's been a packed house. This year, 7 of us. The closest circle. It was perfect because I could safely share my news...and receive some lovin' in return which included some big, needed hugs.

Later this afternoon Hoss and Tagebuch-sea and I will head to the Motherwell exhibit at the Greg Kucera Gallery and then grab some mulled cider in travel mugs and walk downtown to experience the chaos by wandering and people watching.

Before that...I will work. I have to.

I'm seriously tired today. It didn't begin that way, but a couple hours into my day it hit. And stayed. It's the wind down from a frenetic week.

In a couple hours I need to get motivated for a party with friends. Not sure how long I'll last but seeing warm faces will be nice.

The following has nothing to do with good or bad. It's about feeling and exploration. I'm enchanted with how my process is evolving and how the work is beginning to flow from my sinew and marrow.


Monday night, when I found myself working faster and it began to change with the last 4 pieces, I didn't even want to stop and take the time to half the paper. Instead I opted to block out dual work space on each page.




In looking at these Monday pieces, it amazes me what the subconscious lets out when we give it the space and freedom to do so.


Yesterday's photo was of the woofer sitting on my desk. It wasn't until after I saw it in my blog that I noticed a similarity with the newer work on Monday. Then I remembered Sunday's image and again saw sameness.

Last night I had to work. By 7 pm I was exhausted. It had been a grueling 30 hours. Much emotional energy spent. But, I HAD to work.

It wasn't until I picked up my brush, loaded it with black ink and hit the paper that tears began to fall. Sobbing all the way through my work...through many pieces, I cried again and again "you are scaring me, you are scaring me."








This is what living looks like.

Feeding~

Yesterday began with a therapy session. A good one. I relayed the challenges of last week which culminated in an incredible and very good phone call with my mom. The shrink said the reason mom could meet me in such an intimate space is because there was some healing around the deep pain. He again explained (it wasn't the first time) that my pain was putting up a wall between my parents and myself. As it begins to disintegrate I become more approachable. I'll buy that.

After I returned home, I fell into some really hot sex. Very much a surprise and quite wonderful. The energy stayed with me the remainder of the day.

In the afternoon I returned to the drawing table. It had been about 5 days since I worked. This time, something a little different. Normally I'll work on approximately 4 pieces. Yesterday, I ended up with 12. The quantity thing doesn't matter except in what it began to do to my work. In the last 6, I was working quicker and in doing so, my mind was shutting off even more. It was a whole new level of freedom. And in that, another evolution in the work.

I look forward to tonight's work.

Last night, the Bear and the bunny treated me to dinner at Coastal Kitchen for a most amazing meal. If I had my camera you'd be seeing photos of what we ate. Every couple months, in addition to their regular menu, they feature a different coastal area. This time it was Corsica.

We began by sharing Brucciu Charcuterie which consisted of: Brie Coullomier, Chevre Coutier and Delice de Bourgone paired with Parma proscuitto, Rosette de Lyon Salami Saucisson, Salami secchi and duck pate. Served with baguette.

The bunny and I then indulged in COASTAL’S CORSICAN ‘Tour de Cuisine’ (entree for 2): Bacon wrapped scallops, grilled albacore with a dollop of saffron garlic aioli, mussels sautéed with fennel and white wine, beef bourguignonne in a pastry crust, caramelized onion & goat cheese stuffed raviolis, citrus kissed carrots, crisp haricot verts and a crock of sausage spiked Cassoulet.

And the Bear had the Pascal Porc which consisted of rosemary stuffed grilled pork tenderloin served over fennel potato gratin and earthy roasted mushrooms. Finished with red wine and cider reduction.

We tasted everything.

All in all...a fabulous day.

You.
Me.
Us.

We are Time Magazine's Person of the Year for 2006.

Here's an AP article, with a copy of the cover.

I went for a long walk today. Grabbing my camera, I headed first for Volunteer Park. Near the park, another tree was down, not only blocking the road but also the sidewalks on either side. The whole section was taped off but I don't expect it to be cleared away soon. There are still too many homes without power. Much work to do. The downed tree I took photos of on Friday is still there. That area is now taped off as well.

Last night, at a holiday party about 8 blocks from my house, I noticed that a block north of the bar we were at showed a large dark spot. Blackened blocks with no power. Many apartment buildings. And it's been very cold out.

It's surreal. Many sections are wonderful. Others are trashed. Speaking with the apartment manager tonight, he mentioned he just finished showing an apartment to a couple whose home fully washed away.

The sun was out and seeing shadows made me happy. It's been a while. I shot over 60 photos and hopefully can weed them down to no more than 10. Sometimes, it's hard to decide which to save. Two can be almost identical except for one small detail that will drive me batty with indecisiveness. But I wanted to post one this evening. There you have it.

My big, huge, most challenging lesson as of late is how to not let my past color my present.

The present may rip into old wounds further which is the only way they can heal. It is a good thing and needed. The shrink has informed me in the last few weeks that I need to go through the fear, the pain and the feelings of isolation again and again. Each time, it allows for more healing. And one day it won't be as bad.

In not opening and surrendering to this darkness I'll never become free of it.

So with new experiences, I feel the old taint the new and yet I still have to go through it. This time with an awareness and trust that if I don't fight the intensity of the black but instead dive into it, then one day I too can have moments where I'm actually living in the present, seeing and feeling things as they really are, instead of using a battered history book to make crazy false sense of all that unfolds.


Yesterday morning after walking back with my coffee, from my 3rd floor window I noticed the sunrise. My eyes saw the glorious. There was color I haven't seen in the sky in a while. So, I reset my camera to color to take the rare color photo. Then I was curious. I resumed the b & w setting, wondering what such a sight would be like devoid of hue.

The shots, taken a few minutes apart. The only photoshopping was in resizing the images. Nothing else.

Same view. Such a different emotional experience.

It really makes me stop to think about how my perception affects to the point of creating my reality.




Yesterday morning when I woke, something had broken through. For the first time in a week, the pain and fear that had increased to the point of almost being unbearable had subsided. I was spent. The only tears shed yesterday were tears of relief for a reprieve from the onslaught. I was emotionally depleted.

Although I had grand plans for this calm, all I could do was rest until I headed out to a holiday party with friends. It was the first time in over a week where I could actually spend time with people outside of work instead of curling up in a ball sobbing and reminding myself over and over that what I was going through was temporary and ultimately good.

Another surprise came in the morning during a phone call with my mother. I knew they'd be wondering how I fared the storm and so I called while I had the strength. After the typical half hour of chatting about nothing, something changed. The conversation went deep. She asked about my art. And I spilled.

I shared the evolution my work has taken. I let her in to the internal changes that have gone hand in hand. She opened up to me and let me in to her pain and suffering with her art when she was younger. We spent another almost hour revealing our hearts to each other. It was incredibly special.

After we wound up our conversation...the phone rang and...another special phone call.

Our Seattle storm.

The wind woke me about 12:30 am. Howling. I dozed back off for about an hour and then it woke me again. Both times, in addition to hearing the sound of such force, I could hear nonstop sirens. Restless night.

I'm one of the fortunate ones. With one big exception, our neighborhood appears to have sustained hardly any damage. And our power didn't go out. Not like the million plus others who were left without electricity.

Bad Faggot called this morning. He was checking in with each of his Seattle peeps to make sure we were okay. We like that boy. Thank you.

This morning, on my street, on the next corner, there is a massive tree down blocking the street. That corner was where I found the destruction in our neighborhood.